[Bruce R.]

Oldies, but goodies:
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Lord! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

[BlueBenz]

another one to celebrate St Paddys Day

The Irish daughter, Colleen, had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. ...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Colleen, what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! - you scared me half to death, Girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug.



apologies if it causes offence, only meant as a bit of fun...

 

[cvayala]

One of my favorites.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 

[Geoff]

What is green and stays out all night????



Patio Furniture!!

 

[ByByeAmericanPie]

ADULT: RE: With apologies to our Irish friends, Saint Patty's Day is coming:

If you are easily offended DO NOT read on past here...

Frank O'Flarhaghty was hunting the Irish woods one afternoon when he came across a 3 foot tall man with a member the size of an elephants.

"My God!!" Frank exclaimed, "How in the world did someone of such short stature wind up with such a large member?"

"Well" the little man replies, "I'm a Leprechaun, and ALL of us Leprechauns are super well endowed"

"Hmmmm" says Frank, "is there any way that I can become so well endowed?"

"Well, the ONLY way for a non Leprechaun to receive this gift is to bend over and take it up the backside from a Leprechaun"

"Oh no no no" says Frank, "That’s not for me" and he walks away. But he turns and takes one last look at the large appendage and thinks again..."well OK, were in the woods and no one will know so go ahead"

The Leprechaun jumps up on a stump and starts in on Frank...and as he is doing this, starts to talk to Frank.

"Sooooooo tell me Frank, are ye a married man?"

Frank, with difficulty replies "Yes, Yes I’m Married"

"Sooooooo tell me Frank....do you have any children?"

Frank, in obvious discomfort replies "Yes...yes I have 2 children"

"Soooooo tell me Frank, seein that ye are a married man with a couple of kids...aint ye a bit old to be belevin in Leprechauns????"




Sorry if anyone is offended....but this one has always cracked me up.