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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard the garage door open.

"Hurry!" she cried. "Stand in the corner!"

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move," she whispered. "Pretend you're a statue."

When her husband entered the bedroom, he asked, "What's this, honey?"

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths have one in their bedroom. I liked theirs so much, I got us one, too." Nothing more was said, and they both went to sleep. About 2:00 AM, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned shortly with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said, giving the food to the statue, "you may as well eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody even offered me a glass of water!"
 

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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
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The following questions and answers were collated from British GCSE Geography exams, ie. 16 year olds!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
 

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2008 AMG CLK63 Conv., 2012 R350 4-Matic, Wife's 2015 C300 sedan
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^ Obviously Prime Minister or POTUS material :D
 

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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
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Doctor jokes. Some might even be true:

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
-Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read." Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discoveredthat he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked." The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ..Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
 

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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
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Bought a Christmas tree. The guy asked me whether I was going to put it up myself.

I said no, I'm putting it in my living room.

Some people have no idea...
 
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