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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
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She was standing in, the kitchen preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What brought that on?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken
 

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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
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One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to build me a new Ark"

Noah replies, "Nay probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss!"

But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other."

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, ok Big man, what ever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right ....... this time I

want you to fill it up with fish" God answers.

"Fish?" Queries Noah.

"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling – Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my mate, let me get this right, you want a new Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check"

"And you want it full of Carp?"

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.

"Dunno" says God

"I just always fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"
 

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2008 AMG CLK63 Conv., 2012 R350 4-Matic, Wife's 2015 C300 sedan
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^ Oh dear
 

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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
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16,451 Posts
The interviewer said to me, “Your resume says you take things too literally.”

I said, “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”
 

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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
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16,451 Posts
Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"

The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"
 

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2008 AMG CLK63 Conv., 2012 R350 4-Matic, Wife's 2015 C300 sedan
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Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"

The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"
I was going to say that cracked me up...
 

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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
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What do you call an Irishwoman sitting on her veranda?

Patty O'Furniture.
 

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2008 AMG CLK63 Conv., 2012 R350 4-Matic, Wife's 2015 C300 sedan
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What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head? Doug.

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves? Russel.

What do you all a man buried in a bog? Pete.

Etc.
 

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2008 AMG CLK63 Conv., 2012 R350 4-Matic, Wife's 2015 C300 sedan
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9,450 Posts
What do you call an Irish rice farmer?

Paddy.
 

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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
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16,451 Posts
A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You have €9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly €1,000 an inch.The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed."

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?”

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?”

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."
 

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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
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One night a girl said to her family "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa.

The next morning her grandpa died.

That night she said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma.

The next morning the grandma died.

The dad started to fear for his life because he was next.

That night the girl said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy.

The next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said “The Mail Man died”.
 

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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
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Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sam Ting."
 

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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
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16,451 Posts
Try this one then...

Man says to wife, "Have you ever thought about what you would do if we won the lottery?"

Wife replies "I'd take my half and leave you"

Man "Well, you're in luck, I won $12 yesterday, here's your $6 , keep in touch."
 

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Moderately subtle
94 E500, 97 500SL
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12,108 Posts
High noon
An Old West dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough-looking scoundrels playing poker, and he musters up enough courage to sit down with them, thinking he might get a story out if he is lucky.
"Mind if I play?" he asks.
The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others, and they gather up their chips and go.
"Play alone. We're leaving; Wild Bill's coming to town."
The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change."
After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer and pushes the bill back to the reporter.
"The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town."
Without another word, the bartender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar.
Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he's about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something. So he waits.
Just as the clock strikes the first chime of 12, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a whirlwind of dust coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the whirlwind comes up to the bar and stops.
The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face, knocking it cold on the ground.
The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. The giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters, embedding into the walls and breaking bottles and glasses as they fly across the room.
The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, "GIMME A DRINK!"
The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whiskey. The giant snatches them up, bites the tops off and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles, showering the reporter with shards of glass.
Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, "W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?"
The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock. "Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
 

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2000 S430, 2003 S430, 2003 S600 TT, and 2005 E320 CDI
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^^ Your loss, it's actually pretty funny!
 

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Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
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Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay."
 
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