Mercedes-Benz Forum banner

2401 - 2420 of 2445 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
62,305 Posts
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh.

The Jew shrugs and says... "I guess you had to be there to understand".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
62,305 Posts
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith Long for advice about enlarging her breasts.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock."
 

·
Registered
2008 AMG CLK63 Conv., 2012 R350 4-Matic, Wife's 2015 C300 sedan
Joined
·
9,450 Posts
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith Long for advice about enlarging her breasts.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock."
A married woman is approaching her 50th birthday and her husband asks her what gift she would like for this milestone event.

" A boob job" she says. "I want bigger boobs."

"That's easy" says the husband. "Just get a small piece of Charmin, smear the back with shit and stick it between the ones you've already got."

"Eugghh!" Exclaims the wife. "That's disgusting and besides it'll never work!"

"Worked on your ass..."

Surgeons say the reattachment surgery was successful and husband should make a full recovery in time.
 

·
Registered
2000 C230 Kompressor
Joined
·
4 Posts
There once was a man named McNair
Who laid his wife on the stair
The bannister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in the air.
 

·
Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
Joined
·
16,451 Posts
During a check-up a man asked his doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

He replied, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now"

The patient said, "I don't believe in any of that astrology bullshit doc"

"Neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
 

·
Registered
2000 S430, 2003 S430, 2003 S600 TT, and 2005 E320 CDI
Joined
·
4,353 Posts
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith Long for advice about enlarging her breasts.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock."
All right, that was good. My wife will definitely get a good laugh out of this one. :)
 

·
Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
Joined
·
16,451 Posts
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the
belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous.

"You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
 

·
Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
Joined
·
16,451 Posts
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"

The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something was amiss.

He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"

She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
62,305 Posts
What this August really needed was a start with a speedball of absolute insanity...




Imagine what Trump would be tweeting about Epstein if there wasn’t those pictures together...




Pretty sure how Epstein’s previous conviction was administered is proof that not all conspiracy theories are crackpot...




Good thing the Department of Justice has played it so straight down the middle lately so we can have faith they wouldn’t do anything funny...




“Make it look like suicide” isn’t exactly “fake the moon landing” as conspiracies go....




If only we could establish motive...




The 2020 election will clearly be a referendum on which president murdered their pedo friend...




Good thing the Metropolitan Correctional Center isn’t in the middle of 5th Avenue...





Clearly the CLINTON CRIME FAMILY has been calling the shots in the Department of Justice for months!!


.
 

·
Immoderately Caffeinated/ Vintage Moderator
T5
Joined
·
16,451 Posts
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...

faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping...

clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man SCREAMS and reaches for something heavy, anything .. his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Dimetapp.

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the apparition... and... the coffin stops!
 
2401 - 2420 of 2445 Posts
Top