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Tell, me Pastor (Reverend, Holy Father), what is it like in heaven?

It is a place of infinite happiness....a billion times better than anything you have ever experienced here on Earth.

Wow! Will it be like a perpetual sexual orgasm?

No, the Lord frowns on that sort of thing. He will give you perpetual virginity and you will not want sex. Remember, you will be reunited with your mother and father in heaven and that would make a bad mix if sex was introduced.

My favorite meal is broiled lobster and a Caesar salad accompanied by a bottle of Mersault. Will I be able to eat and drink whatever I want and when I want?

You will have no need for food or drink in heaven as you will never be hungry or thirsty.

Does that mean that the next day I won't even have the pleasure of reading the New York Times while sitting on the toilet?

True, you will have no need to defecate or urinate while in heaven. Heaven doesn't have such things as toilets and its nasty plumbing fixtures. And, you will have no need to read as there is nothing to read in heaven.

What about music? I love classic rock will I be able to listen to anything I want when I want. I love Janis Joplin.

You will not need music in heaven as you will have the Lord's words to listen to. And you will be surrounded with the talking heads of your predeceased family members with whom you have been just reunited and this chat will last for all eternity.

What about fine art? I love going to Louvre.

There is no need for art in heaven as you will have the Lord to look at. And, the Pope...you can always look at him in his best dress.

What about clothes? I really like fashion.

You will be naked in heaven....except for the Pope.

Car?

Jesus likes SUVs.

Can I go to hell?
 
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