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They breed in my driveway.
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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
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Discussion Starter #522
A duck, a pigeon, and a chicken all walk into a courtroom…
The judge asked the duck, “What is your crime?”
The duck responds, “I was blowing bubbles in front of City Hall.”
The judge says, “There’s no crime committed here, you’re free to go.”
The judge then asks the pigeon, “What is your crime?”
The pigeon responds, “I was also blowing bubbles in front of City Hall.”
The judge looks a little confused but finally says, “There’s no crime committed here, you’re also free to go.”
Lastly, the chicken walks up to the judge, and the judge asks, “What is your crime?”
The chicken, first looking back at the pigeon and the duck, then turning to the judge says, “I’m bubbles.”
 

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1974 450 SL
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19 Posts
Grammar is important.
Capital letters are the difference between, "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse"
......and "helping your uncle jack off a horse".
How do you help your Uncle Jack get down off a horse?
You don't, you get down off a duck.
 

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Premium Member
1987 560SL
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2,375 Posts
This is a true story not a joke but it makes sense in this context. My summer job in 1993 was helping inspect living conditions in facilities for the mentally challenged in the state of New Jersey. I was just an intern but the health care worker I shadowed was a good mentor. When we went to the Woodbridge home he explained that the patients most likely to rejoin society are on the first floor, the less likely on the 2nd floor, and those with no hope of recovery were on the 3rd floor, with external locks and bars on all the doors. Recovery was, at the time, achieved through job training.

We interviewed some of the patients on the first floor. A bunch of women (girls) were clustered around a table hand stitching cloth. My mentor Andy (name changed) asked what they were doing, and the cheerful reply was heartening. Each said that Dr. Pritchard (name changed) wanted them to learn how to make quilts and blankets for the needy and they were practicing ahead of their anticipated release in the coming weeks.

We interviewed some of the patients on the second floor. A group of boys, looking like drug addicts, were using hand tools to assemble what looked like a go-cart. They explained that Dr. Pritchard wanted them to learn carpentry skills so they could work for habitat for humanity or for the construction industry. Andy congratulated them on their initiative but you could tell some screws were still loose, with years yet to pass before they could function independently.

We were admitted to the third floor with a security guard who had a taser. We found open cans of Planters peanuts and some cashew cans strewn about everywhere, with a circular hole cut through the foil top and the salted snacks still full in each can. In a padded room was a very odd looking man who wore a full can of almonds and nothing else, he was a naked lunatic. Andy asked him what he was doing. The lunatic said that Dr. Pritchard said he had to be fucking nuts to think he would ever get out of Woodbridge.
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
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Discussion Starter #525
This is a true story not a joke but it makes sense in this context. My summer job in 1993 was helping inspect living conditions in facilities for the mentally challenged in the state of New Jersey. I was just an intern but the health care worker I shadowed was a good mentor. When we went to the Woodbridge home he explained that the patients most likely to rejoin society are on the first floor, the less likely on the 2nd floor, and those with no hope of recovery were on the 3rd floor, with external locks and bars on all the doors. Recovery was, at the time, achieved through job training.

We interviewed some of the patients on the first floor. A bunch of women (girls) were clustered around a table hand stitching cloth. My mentor Andy (name changed) asked what they were doing, and the cheerful reply was heartening. Each said that Dr. Pritchard (name changed) wanted them to learn how to make quilts and blankets for the needy and they were practicing ahead of their anticipated release in the coming weeks.

We interviewed some of the patients on the second floor. A group of boys, looking like drug addicts, were using hand tools to assemble what looked like a go-cart. They explained that Dr. Pritchard wanted them to learn carpentry skills so they could work for habitat for humanity or for the construction industry. Andy congratulated them on their initiative but you could tell some screws were still loose, with years yet to pass before they could function independently.

We were admitted to the third floor with a security guard who had a taser. We found open cans of Planters peanuts and some cashew cans strewn about everywhere, with a circular hole cut through the foil top and the salted snacks still full in each can. In a padded room was a very odd looking man who wore a full can of almonds and nothing else, he was a naked lunatic. Andy asked him what he was doing. The lunatic said that Dr. Pritchard said he had to be fucking nuts to think he would ever get out of Woodbridge.
True or not ( I don't doubt you) this is a great story / joke.
 

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They breed in my driveway.
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More intelligent than the Doc possibly thought. :p
 

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'79 450SL, '04 CLK200 convertible; former A124, W210, A209.
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That is one brilliant story! 🤣
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
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29,604 Posts
Discussion Starter #528
One day, at the end of class, little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....
The next day Billy tells his story....
"My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story....
Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking.
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
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Discussion Starter #529
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.

One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"

"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.

"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.

"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.

"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.

"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.

"Tell me why," says the priest.

"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."

The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."

"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.
 

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'79 450SL, '04 CLK200 convertible; former A124, W210, A209.
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Class 🤣🤣🤣
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
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29,604 Posts
Discussion Starter #532
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well."
So the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - it's not that hard."
 

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'79 450SL, '04 CLK200 convertible; former A124, W210, A209.
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Hehe, now that's a pretty good trick to teach our better halves :D
 

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1986 560SL
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109 Posts
Borrowed/Stolen from Dad Jokes England....

Adam who lived in the north of England, decided to go camping in Scotland with his buddy, Chris.

So they loaded up Adam's car and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if she had anywhere they could spend the night to weather out the storm.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge farm house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Adam said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great camping trip.

However, about nine months later, Adam got an unexpected letter from a solicitor.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met whilst heading out to that camping trip.

He dropped in on his friend Chris and asked, "Chris, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our camping trip in Scotland about 9 months ago?"

'Yes, I do,' said Chris.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Chris said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Chris's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything‼'
 

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1983 380SL, 2000 S430, 1991 420SEL (retired) - RHD
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5,701 Posts
Letter from a grateful old grandma.:

Dear ( name deleted) Primary School Headmaster,
I am writing to thank you for the lovely radio I won in your recent raffle. It has really brightened my days since I received it. My room mate at the nursing home had a radio but would never let me listen to it because it belonged to her late husband.

A few weeks ago it fell off the table and broke into many pieces. My room mate was so distraught that when I received the new radio and she asked if she could listen to it, it gave me immense pleasure to tell her to fuck off.

Thank you once again.
(Name deleted)
 

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1986 560sl Black Pearl
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107 Posts
The homeless guy liked to drink. So much so that he usually fell asleep on a park bench next to a bar. One night a lonely gay man saw him sleeping soundly and decided to take advantage of him. Afterwards he slipped a $100 in his pocket. The drunk wakes up the next morning, finds the money and heads straight To the bar, orders a whole bottle of vodka and drinks all day until he passes out and ends up asleep on the same park bench.
So, the gay man was cutting thru the park again, sees the sleeping drunk and can’t help but to take advantage again, and afterwards slips $200 in the guys pocket. Next morning, drunk finds cash, heads back to bar and this time orders 2 bottles of vodka. Proceeds to drink himself silly and subsequently ends up sleeping on the park bench once again.
Next morning the guy wakes up and finds, you guessed it, $300 in his pocket. He walks into the bar, where the bar tender, who spotted him on the way in puts 3 bottles of vodka on the counter. The drunk looks at him and says, “No, make it 3 bottles of whiskey today, vodka makes my butt hurt.”
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
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29,604 Posts
Discussion Starter #539
The homeless guy liked to drink. So much so that he usually fell asleep on a park bench next to a bar. One night a lonely gay man saw him sleeping soundly and decided to take advantage of him. Afterwards he slipped a $100 in his pocket. The drunk wakes up the next morning, finds the money and heads straight To the bar, orders a whole bottle of vodka and drinks all day until he passes out and ends up asleep on the same park bench.
So, the gay man was cutting thru the park again, sees the sleeping drunk and can’t help but to take advantage again, and afterwards slips $200 in the guys pocket. Next morning, drunk finds cash, heads back to bar and this time orders 2 bottles of vodka. Proceeds to drink himself silly and subsequently ends up sleeping on the park bench once again.
Next morning the guy wakes up and finds, you guessed it, $300 in his pocket. He walks into the bar, where the bar tender, who spotted him on the way in puts 3 bottles of vodka on the counter. The drunk looks at him and says, “No, make it 3 bottles of whiskey today, vodka makes my butt hurt.”
LOL!!!!
 

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1987 560SL
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The True Meaning of Life for Men Who Must Have Mercedes Benz

When I was 13, I dreamed of driving around in my brand new Mercedes Benz convertible with the sun highlighting my passenger's large voluptuous breasts.

When I was 18, I worked as a valet and parked many MB, dated many girls with big breasts, but there was no passion, so I needed a passionate job and girl with zest for life.

In college I worked as a mechanic at the Mercedes dealership and found a passionate girl. The owners demanding service and my girl were way too challenging. Every repair and every date was full of unreasonable drama. So I resolved to get some emotional reliability.

When I was 27, I found a high mileage midsize W110 that always started, and was serious with a very reliable girl. But both of these proved routine and boring. Life became dull and I gravitated toward possessions that were really attractive.

When I was 31, I owned a used Mercedes R107 roadster convertible and was engaged to a really great looking woman. The compliments on the 107 flowed endlessly and lots of men lusted for my fiance. We looked great together but I worried constantly about every chip in the paint and every chip in our relationship. So I discovered I needed stability.

When I turned 36, I financed a W221 full size luxury Mercedes with extended warranty and married a smart ambitious Wharton law school graduate with her career clearly mapped. The car payments drove me to bankruptcy and she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am wiser now and share this knowledge on benzworld.org. I dream of driving around in a brand new Mercedes Benz convertible with the sun highlighting my passenger's large voluptuous breasts.
 
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