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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #481
A man died & went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded,

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.

St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
Joined
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #482
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?



As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
 

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Registered
'79 450SL, '04 CLK200 convertible; former A124, W210, A209.
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1,860 Posts
Now that's something I can relate to! Which is why I always go for XL bag of chips :cool:
 

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Premium Member
1983 380SL, 2000 S430, 1991 420SEL (retired) - RHD
Joined
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5,514 Posts
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?



As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
Keep them coming Nobby. I love to start my day with a giggle and there's not much to giggle about right now. (y)
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
Joined
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #485
How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Yuck.
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
Joined
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #486
A young couple took their five-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," his mother replied.
"The rest are for your father".
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
Joined
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #488
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?



It’s not hard.
 

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Premium Member
1983 380SL, 2000 S430, 1991 420SEL (retired) - RHD
Joined
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5,514 Posts
A guy and his wife are woken up at 3AM by pounding on his front door. He opens the door and a drunk guy is standing there in the pouring rain. "I need a push"he says. The guy says no way i'm going out in that weather, slams the door and goes back to bed. He tells his wife and she says "don't you remember when we were helped by two men in similar weather last year ". The guy says "oh alright "and gets dressed, goes outside in the dark. "Where are you? "he calls out. "Over here, on the swing ".................. :devilish:
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
Joined
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #491
Do you know what an Australian kiss is?



Same as a French kiss....except down under.
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
Joined
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #492
What's a mixed feeling?


When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your SL.
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
Joined
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #493
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?



About 45 pounds.
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
Joined
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #495
A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill.

One from her surgeon, to say “all went well”.

One from her husband, “get well soon”, and he loved her.

One from Aussiemerc in the burn unit, to say “Thank you for the new ears”!
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
Joined
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #496
A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars?
Lobster?"
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
Joined
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #497
What kind of bees make milk?




Boo-bees.
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
Joined
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #498
Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?



God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
 

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Outstanding Contributor , Bob's Your Uncle!
-----'83 280 SL----- 5 speed....The PIG
Joined
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29,507 Posts
Discussion Starter #499
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?


They have two left feet.
 

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'73 450 SLC / '74 450 SL / '01 ML55
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495 Posts
THE YEAR IS 2059​

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such
a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative & will abolish the Death Penalty

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous Headaches.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
 
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