[dugald]

Horny housewife goes grocery shopping and asks the young bag boy Nobby to carry them to her car.
She rubs Nobby's arm and says: "My, you are a big strong boy. Do you know I have a nice itchy pussy?"
Nobby says: "Jeez lady, you'll have to point it out to me. I can't tell one Japanese car from another."

 

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Woman goes to the doctor complaining of a rash between her legs.
Doc examines her, then asks: "How do you usually have sex?"
She says:"Oh I always do it doggy style."
He says: "Well, maybe you should try it face to face for a while."
She says: " I've tried that but the dog's breath is too bad."

 

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Blonde goes into a bar: "Gimme a rum and Coke."
She drinks 8 of them and passes out.
Barman takes her into the storeroom and has his way with her, then sends her home in a cab.
Next night, same blonde comes in again: "Gimme a rum and Coke."
Drinks 8 of them and passes out.
Barman takes her into the storeroom and has his way with her, then invites 2 waiters to do likewise.
Third night, blonde comes in: "Gimme a rum and Coke." Same ending, except
the barman, 2 waiters and 3 regular customers all screw her.
Fourth night, she comes back again. Barman says: "Rum and Coke?"
Blonde says: "Better make it gin and tonic. Rum's been giving me a sore crotch lately."

 

[dugald]

Only if he had one hand on each shoulder at the time.

Someone told me the 107 was once considered a car for ladies and gay guys.

 

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Being either one would surely increase my sex life.

 

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I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex,
like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister ...."

 

[dugald]

Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?"
His father says, "We are making you a little brother."
The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"

 

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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and

Felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

 

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I used to date a contortionist but she broke it off.

 

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Menopausal lady goes to the doctor for hot flashes.
He prescribes hormone therapy.
Next visit she says, "Doctor I'm experiencing some extra hair growth".
Doc says, "O that's not unusual. Where is the hair growing?"
She says, "On my balls."

 

[dugald]

Know the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
Your wife can't wait to blow your paycheck.

 

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Real Man Quiz -so bad it's good

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

 

[dugald]

Cornier than Kansas

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...


The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.

 

[dugald]

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch".

The man perks up.

"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

You've been married for over thirty years, and this is something you should discuss with your wife.. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit intimidated. If you had a nine-incher before, and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important
that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with
your wife"?

"Yes I have", says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision"?

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision"? asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

 

[dugald]

 

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Q. What do a civil servant and a lesbian have in common?

A. Neither one does dick.

 

[dugald]

Boy: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Father: Yes we arson.

 

[dugald]

Something more subtle ....

What do you say to comfort a friend who is struggling with grammar (Roncallo we’re looking at you)?
There, their, they’re.

 

[dugald]

Prove them in 3D and you’re good for $1M

 

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