[Aussiemerc]

Speaking of Nobby and cows, Mr & Mrs Nobby decided to play a game of golf. Neither are very good at it and on one hole the good lady sliced a ball over a fence into a herd of cows. Nobby, not wishing to lose a valuable golf ball jumped the fence and started looking. He noticed one cow in particular seemed to be in some discomfort and sure enough the ball was wedged in the cow's arse. As he lifted the cow's tail to retrieve the ball he called out "this looks like yours sweetheart"

Nobby's out of hospital now and recovering quite well.

 

[Aussiemerc]

Helium

Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.







Look it up.

Very deep. Have you gone all academic on us Nobby ? Perhaps chasing a Noble Piss Prize? or just too much Krypton for breakfast?

 

[Aussiemerc]

I rear ended a car this morning... the start of a really bad day
The driver got out of the other car and he was a dwarf.
He looked up at me and said " I'm not HAPPY "
So I said " well, which one are you then ?"
That's when the fight started................

 

[Aussiemerc]

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

Nobby, trust you to come up with a real smutty one
Good for a morning chuckle.

 

[Aussiemerc]

He'd better pray Nobbette doesn't see that last one !

 

[Aussiemerc]

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?



As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

Keep them coming Nobby. I love to start my day with a giggle and there's not much to giggle about right now.

 

[Aussiemerc]

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?



It’s not hard.

Ha Ha Ha

 

[Aussiemerc]

A guy and his wife are woken up at 3AM by pounding on his front door. He opens the door and a drunk guy is standing there in the pouring rain. "I need a push"he says. The guy says no way i'm going out in that weather, slams the door and goes back to bed. He tells his wife and she says "don't you remember when we were helped by two men in similar weather last year ". The guy says "oh alright "and gets dressed, goes outside in the dark. "Where are you? "he calls out. "Over here, on the swing "..................

 

[Aussiemerc]

In the Canary Islands there are no canaries. In the Virgin Islands , guess what...

 

[Aussiemerc]

No canaries.

 

[Aussiemerc]

A pro golfer was driving his new Cadillac convertible and stopped for gas at a gas station. A young boy of about 12 was inspecting the car and noticed some tees on the floor in front of the driver's seat. " What are those ? " he asked the pro. " Tees " said the pro. " What are tees ? " the kid asked.
" You put your balls on them when you're driving " the pro said.
The kid replied " Man those Cadillacs have EVERYTHING "

 

[Aussiemerc]

With apologies to any Nordic members

 

[Aussiemerc]

Same goes for trapeziums.

 

[Aussiemerc]

More madness

 

[Aussiemerc]

I just remembered an old adage from my youth

 

[Aussiemerc]

Letter from a grateful old grandma.:

Dear ( name deleted) Primary School Headmaster,
I am writing to thank you for the lovely radio I won in your recent raffle. It has really brightened my days since I received it. My room mate at the nursing home had a radio but would never let me listen to it because it belonged to her late husband.

A few weeks ago it fell off the table and broke into many pieces. My room mate was so distraught that when I received the new radio and she asked if she could listen to it, it gave me immense pleasure to tell her to fuck off.

Thank you once again.
(Name deleted)

 

[Aussiemerc]

A cop came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6. He got quite pissed off when I replied "kindergarten"

 

[Aussiemerc]

Bumped into a guy walking along the street spitting and then mumbling "shit he could drive"
"what's your problem?" I asked.
"well' he said "i was walking further down (spit) the street and there was a guy (spit) trying to park a 50 foot semi trailer (spit) into a 52 foot parking spot. so I said (spit) to him if you can (spit) park that rig (spit) into that (spit) space I'll lick your ass.......SHIT HE COULD DRIVE 🤬

 

[Aussiemerc]

I'm surprised it took this long.

 

[Aussiemerc]

Or this