[mrelbe]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the prairies without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground
several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

 

[mrelbe]

An elderly man was on the operation table awaiting a very life threatening complicated surgery on him and he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, What is it?’

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well and something happens to me, your mother-in-law will come and live with you’

The Surgery was a great success.

 

[mrelbe]

Wow! Not even I knew that Nobby had a scientific side.

 

[mrelbe]

Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them:
I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that should ever happen just pull the plug.
They got up and unplugged the computer and threw out my beer.
The little bastards!

 

[mrelbe]

An old woman was sipping a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband and she says " I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
Her husband asks: " Is that you or the wine talking? "
She replies: " It's me... talking to the wine "

 

[mrelbe]

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to the hardware store and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Manager was finished, Mary asked him, “how much is that faucet?"The Manager replied, “that's a gold plated faucet and the price is $3,000"
Mary exclaimed, “my goodness, that's an expensive faucet, certainly out of my price range."She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.The Manager said that he had them in stock and it
was $3.49, then he went into the backroom to get one.
From the backroom the Manager yelled.
"Ma'am,you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary shouted back,
"No, but I will for the faucet!"

 

[mrelbe]

Or the woman who tripped over a child in a furniture store. She sued the store and won despite the child being her own. Just search the web for "Stella Awards" and you will find a load of these crazy law suits. It's called the "Stella Awards" because of the law suit against McDonalds selling her hot coffee which she spilled between her legs after removing the lid. It was settled out of court for a few million.

 

[mrelbe]

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

 

[mrelbe]

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

 

[mrelbe]

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down again.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed sheets and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

 

[mrelbe]

 

[mrelbe]

At the seminary school the nun asked the children in the class "When you go to heaven what part of the body goes up first?". Little Mary eagerly shouted out "The hands".
The nun asked her to explain why she said that. Mary said "when you pray you clasp your hands and hold them up. Therefore they go to heaven first".
Jonny blurted out "No No, it's the feet that go to heaven first".
Intrigued, the nun asked him why he would say that.
Jonny explained:
Last night I walked past my parents bedroom door and I saw Mommy laying on the bed with her feet up in the air and exclaiming loudly "Oh God I'm coming, Oh God I'm coming". Thank heaven Dad was on top of her and held her down.

 

[mrelbe]

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favor -- I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in the temple for an hour after services for me?"
Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.
After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving, what are you really up to with all this?"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi, "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied.”
The rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said "Irving I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago."

 

[mrelbe]

Two fish are in a tank.
One asks the other:
"Do you know how to drive this?"

 

[mrelbe]

My uncle was a drinker.
One day by mistake he drank a whole bottle of furniture polish.
It was a lousy ending but a nice finish.

 

[mrelbe]

WHO DOES WHAT​

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here, and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So, she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: 'HEBREWS'

 

[mrelbe]

 

[mrelbe]

England and The King of Spain and The King of France are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one. The King of France drops his and the French crowd shouts "Viva la France!!" The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shouts "Viva la España!!" The King of England drops his, but there is a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts "God save the Queen!!!"

 

[mrelbe]

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’.
He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?” I asked.
“It’s not unusual” he replied.

 

[mrelbe]

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you.
I took her to Subway.
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I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test... same thing.
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I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.