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post #1 of 2409 (permalink) Old 11-09-2009, 05:49 AM Thread Starter
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The all new Joke thread

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbecued 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"


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This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.
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post #2 of 2409 (permalink) Old 11-09-2009, 05:51 AM Thread Starter
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A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?
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This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.
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post #3 of 2409 (permalink) Old 11-09-2009, 05:58 AM Thread Starter
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How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....


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___________________________________________
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.
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post #4 of 2409 (permalink) Old 11-09-2009, 06:03 AM Thread Starter
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Jody beware



Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.
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___________________________________________
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.
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post #5 of 2409 (permalink) Old 11-09-2009, 06:26 AM Thread Starter
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aard take note.



A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.

Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
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___________________________________________
This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.
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post #6 of 2409 (permalink) Old 11-09-2009, 06:28 AM Thread Starter
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Digmenow, beware

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate
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This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.
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post #7 of 2409 (permalink) Old 11-09-2009, 06:31 AM Thread Starter
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Dope may have been there at one time:



A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."


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This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.
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post #8 of 2409 (permalink) Old 11-09-2009, 06:42 AM
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Yup Eric.
Heard that. Good n.

aard
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post #9 of 2409 (permalink) Old 11-09-2009, 06:43 AM Thread Starter
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Jayhawk just for you sir,




CORPORATE LESSON 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 dollars to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she get to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies.

"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to the credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

-----------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

---------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 3

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

--------------------------------------
CORPORATE LESSON 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: B.S. might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


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This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.
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post #10 of 2409 (permalink) Old 11-09-2009, 06:45 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aardvark View Post
Yup Eric.
Heard that. Good n.

aard
You have prob heard all of em aard but it is just for a laugh and someone may post one that we have not heard before


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This definition tells you all you need to know about 'PC'
PC, aka, Political Correctness, is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority (Liberals/Socialists) and promoted by the mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is possible to pick up faeces by the clean end.
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