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one liners funny friday-ish

59K views 311 replies 53 participants last post by  DecoThom 
#1 ·
Short jokes lets have a few, no long ass crud, just one liners, shorter the better.


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks?
 
#58 ·
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
 
#61 ·
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#63 ·
So I'm sitting at the pub, having a bar and have got tremendous gas. I figure the music is pretty good and very loud so maybe if I time it right, I can fart with the heavy guitar or drum (band is doing 80's tunes). It took a while but I felt better and then realized everyone in the place was looking at me. I didn't think I was raunchy smelling but then I realized I had been listening to my iPod the entire time.
 
#65 ·
2 drunks are working their ways up the railroad tracks. One says: “This is the longest staircase I’ve ever been on.” The other drunk says: “Oh yea, and the handrails are really low.”
 
#66 ·
Hi all:

Hoping to prime the pump for Friday, and generate some new material,…

What did the snail say when he was riding on the turtle? Sloooowww down!
 
#68 ·
Having a quick coffee the other day and a rather fit looking older guy came up to the counter and asked for some extra sugar packets. - I smiled and cheekily said, "you know that stuff's not good for you dont you?"

He said, "I'm 99 - I think I'll be OK"

I slunk away, suitably chastened -- true story

Bruce
 
#70 ·
In a hurry,…
Let’s make like horse poop, and hit the trail!
Let’s make like a hockey player, and get the puck outta’ here!
 
#71 ·
I gave a speech to a group of dwarfs the other day, cant tell if they like it but I think I had a standing ovation.
 
#72 ·
If you get home and your wife is standing at the door with a Cosmopolitan magazine in one hand and a pen in the other....she's been taking some sort of quiz and you are an asshole.
 
#73 ·
A guy has been stranded on a desert island for years. He sees an object floating towards the island. The object turns out to be a lovely woman hanging onto a barrel. He helps them onto the beach. She says: “I bet I have something you have been wanting for a long time.” He says: “Don’t tell me you’ve got beer in that barrel!”
 
#79 ·
Chinese restaurant, waiter there is a cat in my soup, waiter' says; Sir you are new here aren't you
 
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