Got an early start this morning and hit the grocery store for weekly supplies and a fill up of el cheapo premium at the big box place. We had to leave in the midafternoon for a wedding down in DC and I noticed that the Ewagon had collected quite a bit of guano from the birds in the tree overhanging that driveway and the front wheels were nearly black from ... well... you all know about THAT.
Grabbed some lunch (first meal of the day, a couple of sandwiches and a few Pringles) and went out to wash the car. I don't do weddings or funerals in a dirty car. Holy mother is it a pain in the ass to clean those wheels! Anyhow, afterwards, I showered, got dressed and SWMBO and I hit the road with plenty o' time.
We were almost down to Laurel (where George Wallace was nearly assassinated) when SWMBO inquires if I have a pin. This question usually means the dress is not hanging properly and the bra is plainly evident. Today was no different. I mention that there is a Wal*Mart just ahead and we end up blowing 30 minutes buying a new foundation garment.
Back on the road, we're flying down to this shindig but time is trickling by. We finally found the place, on I St. NW. Turns out it was the DC residence of James Monroe when he wasn't (#5) living in the White House. The building currently houses the Arts Club of Washington and does extensive catering as well as acting as an Art Gallery.
As it was our first visit to this establishment, we were unaware that there would be NO assistance with parking. It was now 4 PM and the wedding was to start in 20 minutes. We circled the block and tried our luck at a $10 parking garage. No dice, they would be closing at 6 PM. We backed out onto the street and parked at a meter for free since it was Sunday. As we rounded the corner, hoofing it back to the wedding, she notices a whole lot of on-street parking spots. I sent her on and brought the wagon around the corner.
We entered the building seconds before the ceremony was to begin. At that moment, something inside of me lurched menacingly and I knew I needed to find the men's room. A staffer directed my down a flight of steps to the basement as SWMBO went into the ceremony.
It was a one holer with a urinal on the wall. The stall was so tight, you had to drop trou and sit in one motion or you'd be in trouble.
With everything going so well, I thought a courtesy flush would be in order in case someone else walked in. I was both surprised and alarmed when I felt something cold and wet lapping gently against my exposed nether region.
Imagine my chagrin as I rose and saw the beef bouillon colored water rising quickly in the bowl. I glanced around in hopes of finding a plunger handy but naturally, none was around. I felt something dripping from the teabags and realized with sudden horror that the same brown water in the bowl was now dripping onto my still ankle high clothing!
I reached for the TP and dabbed quickly but meanwhile, the water had overlapped the bowl and was spilling to the floor. In an effort to keep my pants from coming into contact with the ever expanding pool of liquid, I bent down to pull them up.
...and dipped my silver necktie into the bowl for a good 3 inches!
"FUCK!" I shouted loudly. No one heard as they were all at the wedding that I was now missing. I didn't care about that anymore as I ripped the tie from my neck before it left wet brown stains on my white shirt.
There must have been a 10 gallon tank on this crapper because the water just kept spreading. I moved over to the sink and checked my shorts and pants for signs of dampness. Finding none, I pulled them up and fastened them. Then I took some damp paper towels and dabbed at the necktie. I couldn't tell if it helped but it still looked wet so I rolled it up and stuffed it into a pocket.
I unbuttoned the top button of my shirt, adjusted my jacket and exited the bathroom. I notified a staffer on the main floor and quickly vanished before she could remember what I looked like.
Missed the ceremony. The room was so packed I had to stand in the anteroom and listen to the vows. When everyone came filing out in either black tie or some other form of neck wear, there I stood, open neck collar. After a bit, I went to show it to SWMBO and I must have done a better dabbing job than I thought because it looked perfectly OK. Smelled a little funky but hey, I was back in the game.
Anyhow, some two or three hours later, it was time to eat. The Groom is Jewish and the Bride is Christian so naturally, everyone at our table was from the Groom's side of the family. I thought of drew and nearly inquired about AIPAC contributions but thought better of it.
The conversation moved to finance and Bernie Madoff came up. One of the guys at the table works at the Holocaust Museum and mentioned that the endowment had taken a hit. The older woman next to me (breast cancer survivor) mentioned that she had lost half a mil in "Philanthropic funds".
Talk turned to the national healthcare plans. Since SWMBO works for a 14 doc NW DC private practice that does NOT accept insurance or Medicare, we mostly bit our lips and stayed silent. I wanted to ask them if they would be paying for Obamacare but it seemed rude and if you can afford to lose $500k and not slit your wrists, nothing I was gonna say would change their minds.
I kept expecting the discussion to turn to a left wing celebration but was saved when the Bride and Groom came in and said some nice words. Fish and Steak...both VERY nicely done.
A bit later, the Groom's dad came around handing out newly minted James Monroe dollars but it was one per family so I guess we'll have to save it as a keepsake.