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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2009, 08:37 AM Thread Starter
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The Blues

1. Most blues begin “woke up this morning.” “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line: “ I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town.” Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

“Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.”

2. The blues are not about limitless choice. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

3. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

4. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve

5. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

6. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons

7. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

8. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state - like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.

9. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

10. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

11. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.

12. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

13. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

13B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) Mix and Match:

a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2009, 08:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yoseyman View Post
9. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
Truer words never spoken:


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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2009, 08:55 AM
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Wow man, you got it down, way down, way way down. What you forgot are the Instruments that can be played for the blues.
Some examples:

Acceptable are: Blues guitar, piano, bass, trumpet or coronet,trombone, saxaphone, and the harmonica.

Not so good: Frenchhorn, steel pedal guitar, bongo drums the viola and the violin of course, not to mention the banjo......................................

Last edited by Brentwood MB; 03-01-2009 at 09:20 AM.
post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2009, 08:59 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Brentwood MB View Post
Wow man, you got it down, way down, way way down. What you forgot are the Instruments that can be played for the blues.
Some examples:

Acceptable are: Blues guitar, piano, bass, trumpet or coronet, saxaphone,and the harmonica.

Not so good: Frenchhorn, steel pedal guitar, bongo drums the viola and the violin of course, not to mention the banjo......................................


What about the Harpsichord?
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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2009, 09:16 AM
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Okay, in some parts of Southern Louisana......
post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2009, 09:32 AM
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Love this list...well done!
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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2009, 10:21 AM
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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2009, 11:11 AM
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I'm not a fan of the blues. Why revel , nay glorify victim-hood?
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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2009, 11:13 AM
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Everyone is a Victim sometime...................
post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 03-01-2009, 11:14 AM
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Not after a glorious revenge.
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