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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-10-2008, 07:17 PM Thread Starter
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Return Letters from Santa

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid Mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give
up that dream. Let me get you some nice LEGOs instead.
Santa

============================================

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me
a bottle of scotch.
Santa

============================================

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

============================================


Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself Marky, that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent project. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

===========================================

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-10-2008, 07:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nutz4benz View Post
Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid Mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give
up that dream. Let me get you some nice LEGOs instead.
Santa

============================================

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me
a bottle of scotch.
Santa

============================================

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

============================================


Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself Marky, that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent project. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

===========================================

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Great thread ASSHOLE.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-10-2008, 07:23 PM
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OMFg, this is stone cold

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself Marky, that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent project. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-10-2008, 07:24 PM
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^^
Better yet
I get in because your mom lets me in everytime your dad isn't here Marky
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-10-2008, 08:16 PM
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I always thought that song "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus" was just a little creepy. It's so sing songy, like isn't that sweet? WTF, wouldn't that be just a little disturbing to a kid?? His mother making out with someone other than his father, not to mention friggin' St. Nick. It's like what the hell, I saw Daddy doing the nasty with the Easter Bunny. I saw Daddy fucking Goldilocks when Mommy was away. Isn't that nice? Scary. OK, no more drinking tonight.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-10-2008, 11:29 PM
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Hmm
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-11-2008, 01:08 AM
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A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 12-11-2008, 04:46 AM
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