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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2008, 09:11 PM Thread Starter
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The Onion: Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job

The Onion is always good for a laugh

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job
November 5, 2008 | Issue 44•45

WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation's broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."


Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress
November 5, 2008 | Issue 44•45

November 6, 2008
WASHINGTON—After emerging victorious from one of the most pivotal elections in history, president-elect Barack Obama will assume the role of commander in chief on Jan. 20, shattering a racial barrier the United States is, at long last, shitty enough to overcome.

Faced with losing everything, Americans took a long overdue step forward and elected Barack Obama.
Although polls going into the final weeks of October showed Sen. Obama in the lead, it remained unclear whether the failing economy, dilapidated housing market, crumbling national infrastructure, health care crisis, energy crisis, and five-year-long disastrous war in Iraq had made the nation crappy enough to rise above 300 years of racial prejudice and make lasting change.

"Today the American people have made their voices heard, and they have said, 'Things are finally as terrible as we're willing to tolerate," said Obama, addressing a crowd of unemployed, uninsured, and debt-ridden supporters. "To elect a black man, in this country, and at this time—these last eight years must have really broken you."

Added Obama, "It's a great day for our nation."

Carrying a majority of the popular vote, Obama did especially well among women and young voters, who polls showed were particularly sensitive to the current climate of everything being fucked. Another contributing factor to Obama's victory, political experts said, may have been the growing number of Americans who, faced with the complete collapse of their country, were at last able to abandon their preconceptions and cast their vote for a progressive African-American.

After enduring eight years of near constant trauma, the United States is, at long last, ready for equality.
Citizens with eyes, ears, and the ability to wake up and realize what truly matters in the end are also believed to have played a crucial role in Tuesday's election.

According to a CNN exit poll, 42 percent of voters said that the nation's financial woes had finally become frightening enough to eclipse such concerns as gay marriage, while 30 percent said that the relentless body count in Iraq was at last harrowing enough to outweigh long ideological debates over abortion. In addition, 28 percent of voters were reportedly too busy paying off medical bills, desperately trying not to lose their homes, or watching their futures disappear to dismiss Obama any longer.

"The election of our first African-American president truly shows how far we've come as a nation," said NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams. "Just eight years ago, this moment would have been unthinkable. But finally we, as a country, have joined together, realized we've reached rock bottom, and for the first time voted for a candidate based on his policies rather than the color of his skin."

"Today Americans have grudgingly taken a giant leap forward," Williams continued. "And all it took was severe economic downturn, a bloody and unjust war, terrorist attacks on lower Manhattan, nearly 2,000 deaths in New Orleans, and more than three centuries of frequently violent racial turmoil."

Said Williams, "The American people should be commended for their long-overdue courage."

Obama's victory is being called the most significant change in politics since the 1992 election, when a full-scale economic recession led voters to momentarily ignore the fact that candidate Bill Clinton had once smoked marijuana. While many believed things had once again reached an all-time low in 2004, the successful reelection of President George W. Bush—despite historically low approval ratings nationwide—proved that things were not quite shitty enough to challenge the already pretty shitty status quo.

"If Obama learned one thing from his predecessors, it's that timing means everything," said Dr. James Pung, a professor of political science at Princeton University. "Less than a decade ago, Al Gore made the crucial mistake of suggesting we should care about preserving the environment before it became unavoidably clear that global warming would kill us all, and in 2004, John Kerry cost himself the presidency by saying we should pull out of Iraq months before everyone realized our invasion had become a complete and total quagmire."

"Obama had the foresight to run for president at a time when being an African-American was not as important to Americans as, say, the ability to clothe and feed their children," Pung continued. "An election like this only comes once, maybe twice, in a lifetime."

As we enter a new era of equality for all people, the election of Barack Obama will decidedly be a milestone in U.S. history, undeniable proof that Americans, when pushed to the very brink, are willing to look past outward appearances and judge a person by the quality of his character and strength of his record. So as long as that person is not a woman.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2008, 09:21 PM
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Yes, this job will require cleaning up major shit after the elephant parade of the last eight years.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2008, 11:36 PM
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You just can't win with them. If he wasn't elected they would have screamed "racism" for the next 2 years. Now that we was elected they are claiming he got the short end of the stick. Right.

Last edited by CLK Operator; 11-08-2008 at 11:39 PM.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2008, 11:39 PM
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you lack a sense of humour also I see....



beware of fundamentalists

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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-08-2008, 11:46 PM
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Originally Posted by 420 SE View Post
you lack a sense of humour also I see....

along with any ability to see sarcasm and he really needs to go see the Wizard of Oz for a brain...........

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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-09-2008, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by CLK Operator View Post
You just can't win with them. If he wasn't elected they would have screamed "racism" for the next 2 years. Now that we was elected they are claiming he got the short end of the stick. Right.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-09-2008, 07:35 AM
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Well the main thing is the 2008 election result is a move forward.Better than the regression of the previous 8 years.Any President who leads a pull out of the prevailing mess will be considered a success at his job.But Obama himself is saying the success really depends on Americans pulling together and that any success will be their success, not his own.A leader marshalls the Will of his people without which,even he as leader,is powerless.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-09-2008, 05:58 PM
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I though this thread was about some funny shit from The Onion......

but it went all doofus.

How very O(blivious) T(ard)......
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