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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-13-2008, 07:53 AM Thread Starter
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Just a thought

Quote:



To the citizens of the United States of America

From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II


In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nannies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

EDIT EDIT EDIT

For the above text
please thank
"Mortinson"
on the GWOA forum, from whence I copied it

Last edited by Difflock; 10-13-2008 at 10:14 AM.
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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-13-2008, 08:05 AM
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Now that there is exactly what our Girl Palin was talking about,

McCain/Palin, now, more than ever..........
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-13-2008, 08:18 AM
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I prefer the response to her majesty.

TO: United Kingdom
FROM: The United States of America
SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the _original_ spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic.
(Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

Who's John Galt.

"Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes" - Virgil, The Aeneid, Book 2

If the Arabs put down their weapons today, there would be no more violence. If the Jews put down their weapons today, there would be no more Israel. --Benjamin Netayahu
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-13-2008, 08:20 AM
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Please note. I have not, nor will not play a part or any part thereoff in this thread and I do not own a cheese grater nor a potato peeler, I don't agree with leathal weapons.(disclamer) sign here........

The Queen loves Irish potatos and that is why Oliver was sent to get them, Potatos I mean. Anyway, Oliver was sent forwith to get the spuds and the result was that many Irish moved to(what is now known as America).

But the Irish had not forseen that William of Orange would eventually give his name to a fruit, still this is life.

I'm pissed and rambeling in my own shit hey dude Ive got enough with ccccinaaaaaaa.

ERIC.

___________________________________________
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-13-2008, 09:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eric242340 View Post
Please note. I have not, nor will not play a part or any part thereoff in this thread and I do not own a cheese grater nor a potato peeler, I don't agree with leathal weapons.(disclamer) sign here........

The Queen loves Irish potatos and that is why Oliver was sent to get them, Potatos I mean. Anyway, Oliver was sent forwith to get the spuds and the result was that many Irish moved to(what is now known as America).

But the Irish had not forseen that William of Orange would eventually give his name to a fruit, still this is life.

I'm pissed and rambeling in my own shit hey dude Ive got enough with ccccinaaaaaaa.
And please let the Earl of Sandwich know that we are eternally grateful for his contribution as well.

Who's John Galt.

"Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes" - Virgil, The Aeneid, Book 2

If the Arabs put down their weapons today, there would be no more violence. If the Jews put down their weapons today, there would be no more Israel. --Benjamin Netayahu
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-13-2008, 10:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TNTRower View Post
And please let the Earl of Sandwich know that we are eternally grateful for his contribution as well.
Yup he was the precursor to mac donalds and kfc

ERIC.

___________________________________________
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-13-2008, 11:17 AM
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After visiting England a few times it became clear to me why the people from such a tiny island would have been so inspired to sail the mighty seas and colonize so much of the world back when that was truly a dangerous career path. It is the native women and the food. The English men were forced to travel to find food that had any taste/flavor and women that were not near female versions of satyrs. Not that there are no women in England who are attractive - women from around the world are encouraged to visit, and stay, so over the centuries there has been some dilution of the female gene pool which was dominated by features directly from large working mammals, like horses and cows. And, it seems, a desire for such creatures can be bred into the males - just look at the present, sort of heir apparent, to the throne. He actually preferred the horsey bitch to one with more normal human female features.

Just one man's observations. Jim
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-13-2008, 11:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JimSmith View Post
After visiting England a few times it became clear to me why the people from such a tiny island would have been so inspired to sail the mighty seas and colonize so much of the world back when that was truly a dangerous career path. It is the native women and the food. The English men were forced to travel to find food that had any taste/flavor and women that were not near female versions of satyrs. Not that there are no women in England who are attractive - women from around the world are encouraged to visit, and stay, so over the centuries there has been some dilution of the female gene pool which was dominated by features directly from large working mammals, like horses and cows. And, it seems, a desire for such creatures can be bred into the males - just look at the present, sort of heir apparent, to the throne. He actually preferred the horsey bitch to one with more normal human female features.

Just one man's observations. Jim
It obviously did not work out did it? Or did it

ERIC.

___________________________________________
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-14-2008, 03:54 AM Thread Starter
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Wind yer fucking neck in Jim
Camilla is a sound woman
Yer other one was a fruitcake,
OK perhaps excaberated by marrying into that somewhat disfunctional family , but a fruitcake nontheless.
For instance if Diana were still alive today?
I dread/cringe to think where she would be or how she would have got there.
the Fates done her a very big kindness, tough on those two decent sons though.

Last edited by Difflock; 10-14-2008 at 08:52 AM.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-14-2008, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Difflock View Post
Wind yer fucking neck in Jim
Camilla is a sound woman
Yer other one was a fruitcake,
OK perhaps excaberated by marring into that somewhat disfunctional family , but a fruitcake nontheless.
For instance if Diana were still alive today?
I dread/cringe to think where she would be or how she would have got there.
the Fates done her a very big kindness, tough on those two decent sons though.
+1

ERIC.

___________________________________________
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
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