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September 7, 2008http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/07/opinion/07dowd.html
Clash of the Titans
By MAUREEN DOWD
You know what Iâ€™m thinking, because youâ€™re thinking it, too.
If Barack Obama had chosen Hillary Clinton as his running mate, we would now be looking forward to the greatest night in the history of American politics: the Oct. 2 vice presidential debate between Ma Barker and Sarah Barracuda.
Now, alas, weâ€™ll have to wait until 2012 when the two fiercest competitors on the trail will no doubt face off in the presidential debate, with Palin still riding high from her 2008 field-dressing of Obama (whoâ€™s now back in the Senate convening his subcommittee on Afghanistan).
The two women are both aggressive pols who take disagreement personally, accruing a body count of rivals, and who have been known to exaggerate their accomplishments. But in ideological terms, the gun-toting hockey mom and the shot-swilling Warrior Queen of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits are opposites.
By 2012, the 76-year-old John McCain will be on his way out. His vice president will wear him down, making him change the name of the White House to Rouge Cou â€” the name Sarah licensed in 2005 in case she ever got into business â€” and turn Camp David into a caribou hunting ranch. Then sheâ€™ll scare him, informing him that if he tries for a second term, sheâ€™ll challenge him in the primary.
â€śHow would you like this pit bull grandma to clean your grandfather clock?â€ť sheâ€™ll tell President McCain in her flat â€śFargoâ€ť accent. Heâ€™ll confide in his pal Joe that being a P.O.W. was nothing compared with being trapped in the White House with â€śthat woman.â€ť
Itâ€™s delicious imagining the Debate of the Century between Big Mama, as Billâ€™s male aides called Hillary, and â€śHottie Granny,â€ť as People magazine will doubtless dub Sarah. ESPN will want in.
PALIN: Before we start, Hillary, I want to honor your achievement in 2008. You nicked the glass ceiling. But in the end, as my friend Cheryl Metiva from Wasilla Bible Church said, I was more of a woman and more of a man than you, so I was the one who actually busted up the old boysâ€™ club. Sorry I called you a whiner about sexism. That was before I realized how handy the victim card can be against the press wolves. In Alaska, we just gun down wolves from the air...
PALIN: Iâ€™ve got a little news flash for you, Hillary. Your night-shift, blue-collar-waitress, boilermaker routine didnâ€™t fool me. Itâ€™s in your polls but itâ€™s in my D.N.A. Iâ€™ve actually been up at 3 a.m. â€” gutting moose. While you got to go to your snooty Wellesley, I had to switch colleges six times in six years. While you got to go to Yale Law, I had to enter beauty contests and turn my back to judges in a bathing suit to get scholarship money.
CLINTON: Iâ€™ve got a little news flash for you, Annie Oakley. Dinosaurs disappeared a lot longer than 4,000 years ago. I admit youâ€™ve had a profound influence on America, and Iâ€™m not just talking about all the women wearing up-dos and rimless titanium $375 Kazuo Kawasaki designer frames. You and John are now at war with four countries â€” Russia, Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan, even as Osama bin Laden has opened a storefront in a strip mall in Pakistan to make TV ads.
PALIN: Those wars are tasks from God.
CLINTON: You said you wanted to help women, but youâ€™ve only hurt them with your silly mantra that women can have it all if they just work harder and pray harder. You put Medicare on eBay. You cut funding for special-needs children. The Dobson Supreme Court has outlawed abortion, evolution and gun control. With sex education banned, baby bumps in high schools are rampant. And the head of your Abstinence Outreach Program, Levi Johnston, has failed to force any other teenage fathers to marry their prom dates.
PALIN: Life is always welcome. Unless itâ€™s on four legs.
CLINTON: When it comes to Big Oil, you make Dick Cheney look small bore. You had secret energy meetings to eliminate polar bears. Youâ€™ve turned Alaska into Kuwait without the sand. Gas is $50 a gallon and global warming has changed the Rose Garden into the Palm Court. Your only energy plan is to give tax credits to people who put do-it-yourself oil rigs in their backyards. You created a Department of Drilling and More Drilling and put double-dipping Todd in charge.
PALIN: Youâ€™re chiding me about nepotism? At least I know how to control my First Dude. If you think that fake sniper fire in Bosnia was bad, wait till you get a load of my hunting rifle.
CLINTON: Adios, Sister Sarah. Youâ€™re tough, but Iâ€™ve been tougher longer. Slide out of town on that oil slick you made on the Mall. And take that Grizzly throw with you.
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