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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 07-02-2008, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
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Golf lessons

A gushy sports reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son? "
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. "
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?" Yes, yes, I did."
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 07-02-2008, 11:59 AM
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Two men play up behind two women, one says “I’ll go up and ask if we can play through.”
He comes back with eyes as big as saucers “Maybe you’d better ask!”
“It’s my wife, playing with my girlfriend! Neither one of them knows!”
“I’ll take care of it!”
A few minutes later, he comes back looking hot as hell and says “Small world!”

Tiger Woods is out playing golf when a lightning storm comes in. He takes a 1-iron out of his bag, steps up onto a small hill, and starts waving it over his head. Stevie runs up saying 'What are you doing?' He replies "Protection. Not even GOD can hit a one iron!"

God and Saint Peter playing golf, St. Peter opens up with a hole in one. His halo shines a little bit brighter. God is trying to tee off, but knocks the ball backwards down a hill. A rabbit hops out of the woods, grabs the ball, and goes running for it’s hole. A hawk swoops down grabs the rabbit and flies to 4000 ft.. From nowhere clouds form, lightning strikes the hawk, drops the rabbit, drops the ball, plunk, a hole in one. St. Peter turns to God and says, “Okay now, are you going to play golf or are you going to fuck around?”

A man having a terrible day of golf, hitting balls everywhere. On the 7th hole a police man comes up and asks “Back on the fourth hole did you knock a ball over that fence?” “I might have” “Well that ball hit a car windshield, caused a massive traffic accident, and six people are dead” The guy is stunned ...”Oh my god! What do I do?” The policeman says, “Well now, you’re slicing it... Bring your knees together, and one hand over the opposite thumb...”

A beautiful Saturday and the Rabbi can’t resist... He goes out on the Sabbath to play golf. The angels up at Gods side: “Hey look, it’s Rabbi Schmitz! He’s Playing golf on the Sabbath!” God replies “I see him.” The Rabbi hits a hole in one. The angels protest, “I thought you said you saw... But it’s the Sabbath & he’s playing golf, and you give him a hole in one! Why?” God turns with a smile and says “So who’s he gonna tell?”

A lady goes into the clubhouse at the golf course, “I’ve just been stung by a bee!”
“Where were you stung?”
“Between the first and second holes!”
“Well then ..... your stance is too wide!”

Jesus and St. Peter playing golf, and Jesus is having a terrible day, but insists on playing the ball out of the woods, out of the sand trap, over and over, always saying the same thing “Tiger Woods plays them where they lay, I play them where they lay.” Finally he knocks a ball into the water trap. St. Peter tries to talk him out of it, but he repeats “Tiger Woods plays them where they lay, I play them where they lay” He walks out on the water, looking for the ball. A fellow walks up to St. Peter points and says “Hey, look at that guy! Walking on water... Who does he think he is... Jesus Christ?” St. Peter sighs and says “No... He Thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”
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