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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-06-2008, 05:07 AM Thread Starter
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jokes

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the
air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the
Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling
for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

'God Bless America '
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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-06-2008, 05:18 AM
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A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be $1000, please". "A $1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".

Mercedes Benz, enough said.
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-06-2008, 05:32 AM Thread Starter
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Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows

When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,

"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
And accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-06-2008, 06:02 AM
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One day, a grandfather decided to visit his grandson in College. Upon visiting, he noticed some strange rubber tubes on his grandson’s dresser. After questioning the nature of these items, the grandson replies:


"O-Oh, yea...those. They’re condoms, and they’re - um - used to keep cigarettes dry in the rain!"



Amazed with this new invention, the grandfather decided to pay a visit to the local Pharmacy and buy some ’Condoms’ for himself.



"I’d like a dozon condoms please!" he said to the man behind the counter.



"What size?"



"Large enough to hold a camal!"

Mercedes Benz, enough said.
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-06-2008, 06:45 AM Thread Starter
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^^ I'm gonna nave to think on that one.
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-06-2008, 06:52 AM
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Two dwarfs go to a bar and after a few drinks pick up two prostitutes and take them back to there hotel rooms. The first dwarf can’t erection, his depression is made worse when he hears his friend shouting "HERE I COME AGAIN.. ONE.. TWO.. THREE... UUH!!" All night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first "HOW DID IT GO???"
The First says "IT WAS SO EMBARASSING I COULDN’T GET AN ERECTION.."
The second shook his head saying "YOU THINK THAT’S EMBARASSING!! I COULDN’T EVEN GET ON TO THE BED..."

Mercedes Benz, enough said.
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-06-2008, 07:31 PM Thread Starter
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Blonde in the Snow

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to
follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they
continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-06-2008, 07:47 PM Thread Starter
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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

> > PART I


> > >


> > > What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?


> > > Juan on Juan.


> > >


> > > What is a Yankee?


> > > The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


> > >


> > > What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?


> > > The position of the dirt bag.


> > >


> > > Why is divorce so expensive?


> > > Because it's worth it.


> > >


> > > What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?


> > > One US leader [liter].


> > >


> > > What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


> > > Doughnuts.


> > >


> > > Why is air a lot like sex?


> > > Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


> > >


> > > Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?


> > > Because Janet Reno is her real father.


> > >


> > > What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room


> > > together?


> > > 100 people who don't do ****.


> > >


> > > SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)


> > >


> > > What do you call a smart blonde?


> > > A golden retriever.


> > >


> > > What do attorneys use for birth control?


> > > Their personalities.


> > >


> > > What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?


> > > 45 lbs.


> > >


> > > What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?


> > > 45 minutes.


> > >


> > > How many women does it take to change a light bulb?


> > > None, they just sit there in the dark and *****.


> > >


> > > What's the fastest way to a man's heart?


> > > Through his chest with a sharp knife.


> > >


> > > Why do men want to marry virgins?


> > > They can't stand criticism.


> > >


> > > Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,


> > >and


> > > good-looking?


> > > Because those men already have boyfriends.


> > >


> > > What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?


> > > After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


> > >


> > > What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?


> > > The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of


> > > driving.


> > >


> > > A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has


> > >the


> > > biggest boobs?


> > > The blonde, because she's 18.


> > >


> > > Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?


> > > Because they have cotton balls.


> > >


> > > What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?


> > > A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


> > >


> > > What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?


> > > "Are you sure it's mine?"


> > >


> > > What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?


> > > Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.


> > >


> > > Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?


> > > Mace will do that to you.


> > >


> > > Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?


> > > Everyone has the same DNA.


> > >


> > > Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?


> > > Breasts don't have eyes.


> > >


> > > Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?


> > > He walks around saying "Yo."


> > >


> > > Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only


> > > on


> > > Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?


> > > Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


> > >


> > > SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)


> > > What's the Cuban National Anthem?


> > > "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"


> > >


> > > Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


> > > A different bar.


> > >


> > > Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?


> > > They named him "Sum Ting Wong".


> > >


> > > What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the


> > > other?


> > > A speech impediment.


> > >


> > > What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at


> > > half-mast?


> > > They're hiring.


> > >


> > > What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?


> > > A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the


> > >cage


> > > --along with a recipe.


> > >


> > > How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?


> > > Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


> > >


> > > What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern


> > > fairytale?


> > > A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." and a southern


> > > fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."


> > >


> > > My, my, how times have changed. Years ago when 100 white men chased


> > >one


> > > black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA


> > > TOUR.


> > >


> > > Why is there no Disneyland in China?


> > > No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-06-2008, 07:58 PM
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Man Jokes, I didn't realize it was so easy to copy and paste someone else's jokes . try being an original joke teller like #@$#^%&
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 05-06-2008, 07:59 PM Thread Starter
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allright, one more and I'll quit,,unless you want more

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
turned to him, he said,

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.
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