Zombie invasion - Mercedes-Benz Forum

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post #1 of 1 (permalink) Old 04-21-2008, 03:35 AM Thread Starter
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Zombie invasion

Research proposal for my friend Dr Duck who is in desperate need of funding.

Government planning has been neglected for the inevitable and increasingly imminent Zombie invasion. Obviously, the crucial question in such circumstances would be 'How do you kill a Zombie?' The conventional response is simply 'destroy its brain'.
I find this an inadequate & underspecified suggestion. Which bit of the brain must be destroyed? The brain stem is one possibility, as with humans. However, this will only be effective to stop heart & breathing, which is already stopped in Zombies, so is probably irrelevant to the Zombie question.

In terms of higher brain functions, Zombies appear to completely lack language, speech and executive function. Zombies display some impairment in motor function, producing a highly characteristic stumbling gait. In terms of sensory impairment, there is some possible visual impairment (although Zombies are aware of humans at a distance, they adopt a characteristic arms-outstretched posture which may limit their collision with environmental hazards), and an inadequate assessment has been made of any auditory impairment. Many sources suggest pain perception to be inadequate or completely absent. Normal sleep-wake cycles appear to be lacking. Observers of Zombies thus far have tended towards the unsystematic and unreliable, and data is severely lacking.

Due to a universal and highly characteristic pattern of severe deficits in the zombie population, compounded by widespread discrimination and stigmatisation of Zombies even by the research community, inadequate research on the cognitive and neurological capacities of Zombies have been undertaken. This leads to a lack of information on both Zombie health needs, and the optimal means of disposal for dangerously uncontrolled Zombies. There is no clear consensus as to exactly which areas of the brain are necessary to sustain life in the Zombie, leading to unsafe, inefficient, and inhumane Zombie disposal.

This researcher is investigating sources of funding for a PhD in 'fMRI imaging of the Zombie Brain' to answer the crucial research questions raised above, and save the world from impending zombie doooooom. Suggestions from the research community as to the methodological and theoretical aspects of carrying out such research would be very much appreciated.
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