Date registered: May 2006
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"Here's how this works," Lisa explained when she came back. "I'll insert this nozzle, which will bathe the inside of your colon." She held up a clear plastic probe. "It's like an electric toothbrush."
"An electric toothbrush up my fanny," I said. The word was growing on me.
"Now, most people clench up the first time..."
"The first time you stick the toothbrush up their fanny."
"Yes. But I'll help you through it. Just roll on your side, and breathe deeply."
Awkwardly, I got onto the table, rolled over and took a deep breath. And for a few moments, I felt what it would be like to be a gay man.
"This is the part that makes most people uncomfortable," she said.
"Except Tom Cruise," I clarified.
She twisted a bit more, but was running into problems. "You seem a little tense," she said.
"I can't imagine why," I responded. "Maybe because I'm laying on a cold table while a stranger shoves a Water-Pik up my ass."
"OK," Lisa said at last, "I think we've got it." She went to the machine, a medical contraption out of an Isaac Asimov novel, and twisted a valve. "Now we're going to start the water. Let me know when you feel the urge to evacuate."
"Now," I said immediately. "Forty minutes ago."
I sat down and released everything in the universe. I was Shiva: creator, destroyer, preserver of worlds. Or possibly I was Shiva's less successful brother Shitva: crapper, defiler, and pooper of worlds. I passed the entire energy of the cosmos through my cornhole, which left it a bit sore and chafed. In the end, I had nothing left in the end. I had factory showroom intestines, buffed to a high-gloss finish. My bum was so empty you could eat off it, which would be deliciously ironic.
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