How to Purchase Street Pharmaceuticals from a Dog
... how do I ask a dog if I can have some of his downers?
1. Get the animal's attention: Usually, making a soft clicking noise with your tongue, or by talking to it quietly will be effective. It is imperative that you do not startle the creature. Speak LoLCat only and avoid Ebonics at all costs if your arse is whiter than a catfish belly.
2. Approach the animal VERY slowly. Do what you can to appear as small as possible and hopefully less intimidating, but remember to stay attentive. Do not get down on your hands and knees, it will make it harder for you to get away if the animal decides to attack. Only come within 10-15 feet of the animal. Negotiate through the bodyguard if one is present.
3. Allow the animal to make the final approach once you are close. Call to it in a soothing voice and try to get the animal to come to you. Put out your hand, gently pat the ground, and you can also toss the animal food, throw the food to the side and not directly at the wee beast. "U can haz cheezeburger" is a good choice.
4. Avoid prolonged eye contact. Look to one side of the dog rather than staring it down. Dogs consider this to be a sign of domination. They interpret it as a kind of challenge and it can cause the dog to think you want to fight. (Ever notice that dogs you know will usually not keep your gaze for long? Or cats that glare at each other for as long as possible before a fight. To them it's very rude, so this is why. And why it's best to avoid it!) Compliment the size of his package, instead.
5. Hold out your hand so that the back of your hand is facing the animal. This is less threatening to most animals, and also lessens the chances of your fingers being bitten. Show nothing smaller than a C note so as to avoid "dissing" (ie:insulting) the animal.
6. Observe the animal's body language if it does not approach. It's best to let cats come to you, they are hunters themselves but small enough to know to know the perils of being the hunted! But for dogs you may slowly - very slowly - start to take a few SMALL steps toward the animal if it seems friendly but just shy. This is not the time to show off the "Stomp" moves you learned in last week's dance class.
7. Stay calm and slowly back away if a dog and snarls or bares its teeth... or a cat and it's growling or hissing at you. Do NOT run! Instead, travel in a serpentine path.
8. Remain motionless as the animal sniffs at your arse.
9. Allow the animal to finish it's examination of your arse and then slowly move your hand from the front of its face to just behind one of its balls, and scratch or pet gently. Remember that many animals have areas that they do not like having touched, so go slowly.
10. Wait until the animal is comfortable before reaching for the "medicinal supplies". Speak softly and move slowly to avoid frightening or startling the animal. Cautiously drop a few Snausages® in your wake to distract him from the scent of your butt.