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Fish in Barrel Surprisingly Difficult to Shoot
Little Rock, Arkansas-- What began as an innocent day of jests and jokes between unemployed rednecks ended in disgrace for the state of Arkansas and Rex-Bobby Ray, a Little Rock native and local redneck. Ray, along with a group of friends, were drinking beer around Billy-Bob Grayton's '57 Chevy at about ten in the morning while Grayton attempted to replace the Chevy's fifty year old carburetor.
Friends recall what happened next. For accuracy, this reporter has not altered eye-witness accounts for grammatical soundness, syntactic integrity, or overall coherence. "Well, ol' Rex-Bobby, he does like shootin' off at the mouth, you know," said 34 year old Grover Donald, an unemployed local man and old high-school buddy of Ray and Grayton. "And wouldn't you know it, it weren't long before Billy-Bob began strugglin' with that there carburetor, yessir."
Reports indicate that shortly after the difficulties with the carburetor began, Ray began to heckle Grayton. There are mixed accounts as to what specifically was said, but witnesses agree that Ray said something to the effect of 'C'mon Billy-Bob, this is as easy as shootin' fish in a barrel.'
"Normally," says Grover Donald, "Rex-Bobby ain't so quick to jack his jaw, but he'd had about fix or six Coors Light, and that'll loosen the ol' sasshole, if ya know what I mean."
Apparently, Grayton failed to take a "likin' " to what Ray had to say about the carburetor situation, and suggested that the group of friends go out back. "I always keep a barrel o' fish in the backyard," said Grayton. "I catches 'em in the bog on old man Yokum's property. He don't mind none. The water keeps 'em fresh cause I don't like 'em when they're frozen."
Grayton then instructed Ray to 'put his money where is mouth be.' Ray accepted, and retrieved one of several hunting rifles from his truck. But when Ray began to shoot, much to his surprise, no fish were killed. "It's like them little buggers just kept on swimmin' round in there," recalled a humiliated Ray. "Couldn't get one of 'em to stop movin' enough so I could shoot 'em."
News of the incident spread like wildfire as far as Texarkana. The Little Rock Tribune ran the story on its front page, and even the governor of the state has come forward to voice his opinion on the matter.
"I urge everyone to be calm," said Governor Jimbo Gulliver, "during this difficult time. We will not allow our state to be disgraced, to be known as the state whose residents can not even accomplish something so simple as shooting fish in a barrel. To quell these fears, I have instated a 'No Child Left Behind Act' for the state, which will require all children to shoot a pre-determined number of fish in a barrel before graduation of high school."
When asked about the oddness of such a requirement, the Governor added that it would not be out of place, since the state of Arkansas public schools recently elected to do away with math, english, and biology in favor of taxidermy, 'Making Safe Moonshine', and rifle maintenance programs.