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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-09-2008, 06:55 PM Thread Starter
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Condensed World History

Condensed World History

For those that don't know about history ... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement .

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history ...
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-09-2008, 07:01 PM
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Well apparently children the jackass does and has governed the full of turd elephant otherwise evolution would have dictated otherwise... Oh I forgot, the jackass evolved while the big lug never did because he doesn't believe in it. Drink up and numb thy brain, nothing to see, move on...
Heineken anyone?
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-09-2008, 07:09 PM Thread Starter
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Talking

I hope that doesnt offend anyone.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-09-2008, 07:13 PM
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No not at all as long as you're paying your taxes I am going to get that Escalade with the spinners
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-09-2008, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by steve58 View Post
Condensed World History

For those that don't know about history ... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement .

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history ...
We have to assume this is the 6500 year world history and that no evolution took place since it was written by a Rightie.

No History lesson should be without pictures.

McBear,
Kentucky

Being smart is knowing the difference, in a sticky situation between a well delivered anecdote and a well delivered antidote - bear.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-09-2008, 07:41 PM
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Originally Posted by steve58 View Post
Condensed World History

For those that don't know about history ... here is a condensed version.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
And I thought there should be a family portrait of those evolving Conservatives you mention.

McBear,
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-09-2008, 08:06 PM Thread Starter
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I see it offended, Quick Draw McBear.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-09-2008, 08:17 PM
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I drink imported beer ("Corona" with lime please), eat red meat and provide for my women.

I hate working for a living but I don't see any other choice.

Pretty stupid I must say.

Everybody knows that the two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of rum, and
2. The invention of the internal combustion engine by Karl Benz.

Steve58, You have to repeat your history class next semester.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-09-2008, 10:48 PM
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I see it offended, Quick Draw McBear.
Sorry, it wasn't written well enough to offend me. What was lacking in cleverness was amply made up with contrived and strained writing.

And there is no comma after offended.

McBear,
Kentucky

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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-10-2008, 04:46 AM Thread Starter
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Talking

So have I earned my "E" for Effort?
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