Ask Mr. Etiquette - November 2, 2007 - Vox
To stop the constant questions about what is gay, and what is straight, Mr. Etiquette is going to clear the matter up for once and all.
Many people try to make sexuality into an all-or-nothing issue, not recognizing that there is a whole range of behaviors between gay and straight. It is really something more like degrees of sexuality, that every day things we engage in and think nothing of have sexual overtones. So how does one decide? What makes you gay? What makes you straight? Is there such a thing as bisexuals, or just people who are really horny and not picky? To help clear this matter up, here is Mr. Etiquetteâ€™s 10 point scale of homosexuality. Any thing below a 4.2 and you are straight. Anything above a 6.5 and you are boy-band gay. Anything in between and you are either not entirely sure, into anyone, or just easily persuadable
1. Participation in non-co-ed sports
â€“ In your sexual prime, when your hormones are revved as far as they go, they have you spend most of your free time with members of the same gender. How cruel can you get? Why are more of these sports not co-ed? Would you really rather work all year, give it your all, to finish 3rd in your conference in an all-male sport no one will remember two years later, or spend that time on a co-ed team, making memories under the bleachers that will last you a lifetime? Thinking back to those times, would you really have preferred a terrifically athletic male teammate, or a horribly inept but slutty female one?
2. Group showers
â€“ How much do dividers between the showers cost? $75 bucks each? Teams can have a car wash to raise 40 grand for equipment, but a few hundred dollars to prevent some naked dude from rubbing up against you is an issue?
3. Watching professional wrestling
â€“ Overly muscular men, far beyond what any normal female would find attractive, wrestling with each other shirtless in their underwear to fulfill bizarre, sexually twinged storylines. And the audience is 98.5% male? And you canâ€™t see a littttllle bit of homosexual undertones in that one? Any activity that results in frequent disagreements requiring two or more men to strip down and grapple is not an entirely heterosexual one.
4. Finding androgynous anorexic models attractive
â€“ When you canâ€™t be positive the gender of someone you are attracted to, that is certainly moving into the confusion range..
5. Kissed a member of the same sex, just to see what it is like
â€“ To clarify, this is an above-the-waist kiss, or you move up to a 9.2.
6. Would accept a blow-job from a dude
â€“ Varies a bit depending on level of desperation, but still a sex act with a guy. Pretty close to the definition of homosexuality.
7. Prison sex
â€“ And other situational only sex with a man. You can try to justify it, but you are still having sex with a man. And most likely a large, hairy, as-far-from-feminine-as-you-can-get man.
8. Would have sex with a dude, but only give
â€“ If you are inside a dude, you are gay. This one, you are just not yet willing to throw all of your chips on the table.
9. Would have sex with a dude, prefer to be catcher
â€“ Once you have been penetrated, you are all in. Giving is kind of like the engagement, there is still time to opt out and one last wild night with a bunch of strippers could change your mind. Taking is the wedding, once you are a taker, you are fully committed to the choice and there is no going back without some expensive and emotionally scarring consequences.
10. Has given so many blowjobs lips have permanent calluses.
â€“ Really no way around it with this one, you are straight-up queer as they come.