Date registered: Jan 2006
Location: Ye Olde Siamese Rub n' Tuggery
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Quoted: 452 Post(s)
a few Mondee nites ago I set the compass on a headin' West
by Nor' West to the Japans then after t'would be Cathay an' Siam fer a wee bit o' rapin' n' pillagin' n' bukkake. Aye !
On th' ship I see der be no oars as der port'oles covered in wit glass like dere be like in a holy church like. I be spyin' out da port'oles an see da widest longest 'plank' I'd ever be seein' an I tinks dat dis 'ere Cap'n not be toleratin' any fightin', stabbin's grabbin' n' arrse slappin' o' the servin' wenches or mutinys so I be keepin' me cutlass well sheathed an me jolly rogerer reefed in close in these confines cuz I dinna wanna be walkin' that big beauty plank.
Den I espied another big plank on the starboard side, dis Cap'n be a right proper baarstard.
An I imagined 'PrettyandBOffed' in a shabby yeasty codpiece walkin' da plank fer buggerin' boys in da bilges, har har.
'PrunedandBuggered' be more like it, har har har.
The ship cast off with a mighty roar o' the winds an a great shrieking, screechin' n' timber shudderin' an thrusted out o' Santa Monica Bay like Artemis's arrow. But the sounds be drowned out by the fastly riggin' o' noise cancellin' 'eadphones (curt'sey the Phillips Tradin' Co. o' the low countries), they'se also be dullin' the clatterin' in the galleys where the scullery maids an bottle washers be gossipin' n' chirpin' an chatterin' an' servin' out the grog n' rum, an' startin' the fires to heat up the evening's slops.
"I'll be 'avin' two rations o' dat Frenchie Champagne pleeze Ma'am, an' keep 'em cummin' ifin ye don' mind ...ta ! "
(Aye she got a big beauty of an arrrrse an' a fine leg
dat servin' wench, methinks me pecker e'spied 'er too, har har... me little strumpet. I'd like me todger t' see 'er Jade Gate up real close an' personal like, down in the cargo holds...iff'in ye know
wot I mean an methinks ye do, har de har har).
I don' be takin' out me knife fer eatin' me tucker as I know the Cap'n be an 'ard arse an probably have me tied up fer brandishin', so I be noshin' wi' me hands and lickin' me fingers heartily cuz der wuz plenty o' wine t' go 'round fer drinkin' an washin' up in.
A'crossin' the grand n' vaarrst Pacific ocean that be full o' man eatin' sharks n' great sea dragons, the Cap'n, he be keepin' 'er on an even keel an avoidin' the storms, squalls an' typhoons with his Raytheon 'magic eye'. Full sails before the wind cruisin' near the speed of a witches scream, t'was smooth sailin' nary a'rollin', pitchin' or yaw'in'.
Aye she's a good 'un
....keel be laid in ye olde northern shipyards of Boeing !
An' I be prayin' to all the gods ( if there are any gods ) that we don't get struck down by Perkunas's bolts of light, a broken mast or a cheap Chinee piece o' aftermarket counterfeit riggin'.
O' course I 'ad t' leave me parrot, PollywantsomeCrack, me bestest friend for all o' me life as we both grew up from young'uns an sailed da seven seas together an' not never been apart not 1 hour. When I be in da pubs, inns or bawdy 'ouses rogerin' the harlots I rightly left him right dere on me left shoulder coz dat only be right.
'Ad t' wring 'is neck at boardin' gate an dump 'im in the trash, dat's fair.
I be hearin' via me eartrumpets John Coltrane and 'is horn of angels and Ludwig van & Richard Wagner's Big Bands as dey all must be playin' dere shantys merrily away in da cargo holds down below, an I be tappin' me pegleg an happily drinkin' me rum an I tinks to meself I'd better be gettin' down dere as der is always a few stray drunk band molls dat need tumblin' n' rattlin' if'in ye knowin wot I mean, an methinks ye do mateys har har har, yes'um dey be havin' da good life livin' it up down in steerage ! Maybe iffin I can get one o' dem molls in the bog widout too much yellin', screamin' n' slappin' I culd be joinin' the Thousand Fathom High Club.
So I drinks another couple o' pints o' Rum, adjusts me scarrrrf down over me one good eye an decides to catch up on forty winks, the molls can wait fer later, they's probably poxed anyways .
I be dreamin' long n' 'ard o' wee Tinkerbell sprinklin' 'er fairy dust on me an bringing me down to 'er size
.. den I be givin' 'er a good an thorough rapin' and fuckin' up de arrrse har har har har....
.and I'se know you'se all been varnishin' yer masts over puttin' yer 'ole blind bob whore pipe in her tiny meatgrindn' horse collar har har har har ......
Last edited by BNZ; 11-05-2007 at 04:37 AM.