Heh, heh........! - Mercedes-Benz Forum

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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-21-2007, 06:57 AM Thread Starter
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Talking Heh, heh........!

Granma in Court:
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said…

"If either of you *ucking idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.


SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!
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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-21-2007, 07:00 AM
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Very good Prof opps I mean Punjapi .
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-21-2007, 07:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Punjabi
Granma in Court:
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said…

"If either of you *ucking idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.


SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!
I have just become your biggest fan, thanks for the laugh
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-21-2007, 09:20 AM Thread Starter
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TWO COWS

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other,
then throws the milk away...

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies,
and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the
milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow
has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the
roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a
clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 2 cows.. You stop counting cows and open another bottle
of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners
for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that
you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and execute
the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have
none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade
your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of
a Democracy....

WELSH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office
and go for a few beers to celebrate

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a license to
milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the
government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the
cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk
under health and safety. You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged
stool that is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It
is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for
workers by 4 kilos, which just happens to be the weight of the fifth
leg. To shift the stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a
special (EC approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so
expensive that you have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them
and pay for the mandatory training course you must take to get your
license to milk the cows. You sell your milk to the supermarket chain
that pays you f**k all for it, and then they sell it to their
customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a press
statement about how wonderful they are to support British Cows. The
rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know
that it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention
of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other
countries don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they. You
sell your cows to a Polish itinerant worker and your farm to a Russian
'investment bank' and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a
country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of
milk at home.
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-21-2007, 10:06 AM
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26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.



AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! guilty!

Regards,

Chelsea






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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-22-2007, 03:32 AM
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Just for you Pun....Heh Heh Heh

YouTube - Peter - Heh Heh Heh
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-22-2007, 05:15 AM
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BRAVO, PUNJABI!!!!!! FIVE STARS & a glass of Lassi raised to YOU!!!

Jim
<--- superschnelle 300 hp 10:1 ECE euro HV, Hochverdichtung = high compression (11/2011) ... Wie im Freien Fall. Nur horizontal.


"I swear to god, it's like I live in a trailer of common sense, and stare out the window at a tornado of stupidity." >'='<
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-22-2007, 07:45 AM Thread Starter
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heh, heh......Designo and I were together in Med School - he made it, needless to say I didn't because of the following answers I wrote in my exams: heh, heh......

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.

Caesarean section - a district in Rome.

Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.

Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.

Chronic - neck of a crow.

Coma - punctuation mark.

Cortisone - area around local court.

Cyst - short for sister.

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.

Dislocation - in this place.

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.

Enema - not a friend.

Fake labour - pretending to work.

Genes - blue denim.

Hernia - she is close by.

Impotent - distinguished/well known.

Labour pain - hurt at work.

Lactose - people without toes.

Lymph - walk unsteadily.

Microbes - small dressing gown.

Obesity - city of Obe.

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.

Proteins - in favour of teens.

Pulse - grain.

Pus - small cat.

Red blood count - Dracula.

Secretion - hiding anything.

Tablet - small table.

Ultrasound - radical noise.

Urine - opposite of you're out.

Varicose - very close
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-22-2007, 07:53 AM
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Oh aye,
descriminating against the poor Irish agin,
we got cows too you know
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-22-2007, 07:57 AM
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Metric conversions
1 trillion microphones = 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
1 billion trillion picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox
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