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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-09-2007, 08:13 AM Thread Starter
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End of the world

I wrote to God about William Irvine , and got this back ?! , I sure this God guy works in our IT dept .

Dear Vonny

William Irvine wasn’t wrong. The world did end in August 1914, but just for 17 minutes. During that time, all of the prophecies of the Book of Revelations were fulfilled, in a kind of interdimensional warped space-time. Then, I restarted the world, right where it left off.

This kind of temporary end of the world is necessary when certain systems stop working. It resets things, like shutting down a computer. I plan another apocalyse for 6 minutes next year, because of some problems I’m having with honeybees. Don’t worry, I always back up my files.

- God
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-09-2007, 10:25 AM
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Got anything more definite about the date? I'm thinking of having unprotected sex with a twenty dollar hooker after I fry my brains on crystal meth.

A reboot would come in handy.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 08-09-2007, 10:59 AM
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> Deities Still Sorting Through Victims Of Queens Bus Accident
> NEW YORK --- An emergency coalition of deities from several major world
> religions is still sorting through the wreckage of a tragic bus accident
> that claimed 67 lives Friday in the culturally diverse Jackson Heights
> neighborhood of Queens .
> According to authorities, at approximately 6:45 p.m. the Q45 bus crashed
> into a power generator at a busy street corner after swerving to avoid a
> slow-moving group of elderly Chinese pedestrians. Police say that a Korean
> laundry, an Irish pub, a Senegalese restaurant, and a churro stand were
> also severely damaged in the resultant smoke and flames.
> More than half a dozen gods reportedly responded to the scene within
> moments of the crash. Because the victims hailed from 14 countries and
> professed an as-yet-undetermined number of religious faiths, however, the
> soul-placement process has been laborious, and fewer than a third of the
> deceased have so far been escorted to their appropriate afterlives.
> "What a mess this is," said Ganesha, the Hindu lord of success and
> obstacles. "Assuming we ever manage to figure out who worships our
> particular pantheon, there's still the problem of divvying up the
> Buddhists, Jains, and other non-Hindus who worship me, Lakshmi, Vishnu,
> and about 1,000 other gods."
> In the gods' haste to resolve the matter, some of the souls were
> apparently misplaced. In one instance, an adherent of Buddhism slated to
> be reborn into an Ohio family was temporarily reincarnated as a tree
> sloth. And as of press time, a self-avowed atheist who at the last minute
> took God into his heart has yet to be retrieved from the void and placed
> among the faithful.
> Many of the gods were struggling just to maintain order.
> "Honestly, who ever heard of a Jew named Shinjoku Murikami?" the Shinto
> sun goddess Amaterasu said. "I had that guy halfway to haunting a shrine
> as a kami spirit before I realized my mistake."
> The religious triage suffered severe setbacks from the beginning because
> many gods serve a relatively low number of devotees and are unaccustomed
> to rapid response.
> "The moment we saw that there was someone named Hawkwind, we knew we'd be
> there for a while," said the Sikh god Waheguru, who explained that, due to
> a verbal agreement struck several millennia ago, no deity is allowed to
> leave until all souls have been claimed. "On top of that, it took the
> Wiccan goddess of the Moon, Earth, and Sea three full days to show up."
> One god, who asked that His name not be spoken aloud, said the theological
> muddle was a rarity, and that He and the other deities usually have no
> trouble operating without an official post-disaster protocol.
> "We don't normally have to deal with these kinds of details," the god
> said.
> "If there's a rocket attack in the Middle East , it's pretty easy to
> figure out who goes in to mop up."
> Further complicating matters is the presence of the devil, Beelzebub, who
> has demanded that the coalition relinquish all souls to him.
> "These are all vile, vile sinners, and I'm not leaving until I get them,"
> the dark lord said, though other gods appeared unreceptive. "Look, my
> numbers have been way down this month. I'm sure everyone here did
> something damning at some point, right? Come on."
> Several lesser-known gods, such as Jengu, an archaic water deity still
> worshipped by some of the Sawa people in Africa , arrived on the scene
> despite having no devotees among the dead. Jengu said he knew there was a
> "really good Cameroonian place" in the neighborhood and assumed that he
> might be needed.
> "I guess not," the minor god said. "I'll probably hang out anyway, though,
> just in case."
> While the aftermath has been generally chaotic, the most inconvenienced
> deity appeared to be the God of Abraham, who is worshipped by billions of
> Muslims, Jews, and Christians.
> "Ideally, I'd just take all of them in one pile, but there are about a
> thousand little sects and denominations and all that nonsense that I have
> to act like I care about," God/Yahweh/Allah said. "Did you know there was
> a guy who practiced Santeria on that bus? Christ, what a nightmare."

The biggest problems we are facing right now have to do with George Bush trying to bring more and more power into the executive branch and not go through Congress at all and thats what I intend to reverse.

~ Senator Barack H. Obama
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