Todays missive from our good friends at the DailyKOS. Enjoy.
Please, Bill O'Reilly, Have Mercy
Thu Jul 26, 2007 at 01:21:03 PM PDT
Please, Bill O'Reilly, spare us from your savage and inexplicable rage. We can't take any more of it. Being defended by Keith Olbermann... being roundly and sternly publicized by Stephen Colbert... it's all too much. The extra traffic, the publicity, the footage of your narcissistic tantrums... the subsequent exposure of hate speech and death threats on your pay-to-post blog. How can any liberal website withstand such a well-planned assault?
Please, Bill, I am personally begging you: stop your organized Fox News effort to promote us to wider and wider audiences. Between you and your Fox News compatriot Bill Kristol, we can't take it anymore. How are we supposed to compete with a man whose written punditry has led to the deaths of tens of thousands? How can we sustain ourselves when attacked by a talk show host well known for his fabrication of facts and stories? Our imaginary lesbian street gangs have been decimated already: what more havoc will Fox News wreak upon us in our hour of despair?
I have won twenty seven separate Peabody awards over the past three months -- no perhaps it was fifty two, I lose count. It was getting so bad I had to melt them down into one big Peabody award. I made it really look like Peabody, too -- Mr. Peabody, the cartoon character. I use it as a doorstop. But now I am feeling guilty. After receiving as many as five concerned emails from your dozens of adoring fans, I have come to a heartfelt conclusion -- I must sell my cherished Peabody Peabody, and use the proceeds to help your fans buy themselves some lowercase letters. Seeing an entire class of individuals so cruelly afflicted, having to make do with uppercase letters and exclamation points when there is a whole world of glyphs and punctuations waiting nearly at their doorsteps, cold and trembling and nuanced -- it is too much. I am not the kind of monster who can ignore such heartfelt, if badly spelled, pleas.
This has gone on long enough. Do you realize how devastating it is to be named the enemy of one of the most mocked figures in news, a man so identifiably muleheaded and egotistical that he spawned an entire television program satirizing his habitual hallucinatory fictions and barely lucid emotional fits? A man whose alleged drunken and masturbating phone calls to female coworkers has been the stuff of both lawsuits and internet legend? No: my lifetime most embarrassing telephone call was when I tried to order a pizza from a confused but well-meaning hair stylist: I cannot compete with tales of vibrators and middle eastern foodstuffs.
Now we are under the microscope of Stephen Colbert himself -- a man who took your very persona, your factless approach to the news, your impressive stone edifice of narcissism -- and added the devastating grenade of actual talent. What further punishment could you possibly unleash upon us?
No, we thin wraiths of progressive punditry cannot hold against this onslaught. Please, please call off your cruel assault on us. Please do not mention us on your program anymore, sending waves and waves of progressives to see what the fuss is about. Please stop forcing Democratic lawmakers into expressions of support for our tiny little movement. Please stop obliging other, better news programs and fake news programs to report on your ongoing Jihad of Jackassery: these things have wounded us greatly.
So please, Bill, refrain from mentioning us on your programs. Please do not berate us on the radio, or on your television show, or in the loofah aisle of whatever store one purchases such things. What would be really, really too much to bear is if you tattooed the name of our website on your broad, pale forehead as reminder to everyone about how evil we are. Please, please don't do that. Surely, somewhere in your heart, you still have within you the jagged remnants of mercy.
Alas, I am being called to other duties. If you will excuse me, I am now off to see a man about a briar patch.
Daily Kos: Please, Bill O'Reilly, Have Mercy