Not another religious thread!! - Mercedes-Benz Forum

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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-19-2007, 06:07 PM Thread Starter
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Not another religious thread!!

Three "Holy Men" ... and a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get
together a couple times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

They agreed to meet a week later to discuss their experience.

As it turns out they were all in the same hospital.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. Well," he said, "I went into the
woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, very weakly, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy; its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery. (Winston Churchill)
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-19-2007, 07:02 PM
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ROTFLMAO!

Mercedes Benz - Das beste oder nichts!
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-19-2007, 07:02 PM
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LMAO!


BTW, my teacher went to NMU.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-19-2007, 07:20 PM
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I go out in the mountains for a nice hike, minding my own damned business and the next thing you know I end up being chased around the hills by a bunch of grapejuice and cracker guys.





AGAIN!!!

McBear,
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Being smart is knowing the difference, in a sticky situation between a well delivered anecdote and a well delivered antidote - bear.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2007, 02:33 AM
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Good one!

I wonder if I can convert a bear to atheism?
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2007, 02:38 AM
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Yes, thanks Greg! It's a rare treat to see a joke for the first time.


A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the toilet. She said "Yes, you may." When he went to wipe his batty there was no toilet paper so, he had to use his hand. When he got back to class his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?" The boy said, "Erm, a little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away. He was then sent to the Head's office who also asked him asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."The head got angry and yelled, "Open your hands right NOW!" He did and the kid said,"Oh that's great, now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"


Last edited by deathrattle; 07-20-2007 at 03:05 AM.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2007, 03:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zedd
Good one!

I wonder if I can convert a bear to atheism?
An atheist was walking through the woods... when he stopped and thought: "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"
Then, as he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him! He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He ran faster but when he looked over his shoulder again he saw that the bear was even closer! He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him... reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw ready to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped!
The bear froze...
And the forest was silent.

As a bright light shone down upon the man, a voice came out of the sky...
"You deny my existence for all these years... and try to teach others I don't exist... and even credit creation to a cosmic accident? Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "Well, it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now... but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Oh, very well," said God.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed...
Immediately, the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen"
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2007, 09:13 AM
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Good stuff! Check this out...

A priest, two cardinals, a nun, and an altar boy walk into a talent agent's office. The priest says "We come with news from on high; we have your next great broadway show." The talent agent says


....


Damn, I can't do it.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2007, 09:39 AM
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^I could.
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2007, 10:05 AM
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I could too, actually....maybe later.
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