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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2007, 09:05 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by deathrattle
Immediately, the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen"
In that vein...guy is hiking in some mountains, goes near the edge to check out the scenery and the loose rock causes him to slip...and over the edge he goes.

Grappling like mad for anything to hold onto he manages to snag a small bush. He grips it for all he's worth and he realizes he's simply too heavy for it. He lets go with one hand and shrugs one side of his pack off, then switches hands and shrugs off the other strap, freeing his pack to a long, noisy, distant crash below.

With both hands on the bush he realizes it's pulling the roots from the rocks: he's still too heavy. Casting about and looking for a handhold he yells "IS ANYONE UP THERE?!? HELP ME PLEASE!!" No response and he continues yelling.

Suddenly a booming voice comes from the cloudless sky above: "YOU'VE IGNORED ME FOR SO MANY YEARS, DO YOU WANT MY HELP?"

"YES, OH, YES, PLEASE HELP ME!" the man cries in reply.

"DO YOU TRUST ME?" comes back the booming voice.


"THEN TRUST ME...AND LET GO..." comes the booming response.

After an almost imperceptible wait, a small voice comes up from the man: "is anyone *else* up there?"

Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy; its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery. (Winston Churchill)
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2007, 09:16 AM
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A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor are conversing in a hotel lobby before performing wedding ceremonies. A man walks up to them and says "I couldn't help but notice you all standing here, and I've had a question for ages that you might answer for me."

"Certainly, my son...what is your question?" said the Priest.

The man says "How do you figure out how much of your Sunday offerings to give to God?"

The Priest looks at the other two, and says "Well, we collect all the money in a big basket with a long handle, and toss it into the air over a holy table. Whatever falls onto the floor, we give to God."

The Pastor says "We do almost the same thing, but we give God everything that falls on the table."

The Rabbi snickers, then says "We just throw the money up into the air, and let God take vaht he wants."
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2007, 09:27 AM
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God, Moses, and St. Peter all decide to play a heavenly round of golf together. The first hole at the Pearly Gates C.C. is a long par 5, set on both sides by majestic cliffs and waterfalls, with a green that's elevated hundreds of feet.

St. Peter tees it up, and cracks a long drive which fades slightly into the sun, and drops nicely in the fairway - easily making the green reachable in two.

Moses tees it up, and hits a drive low and slow straight for the water, which suddenly parts, allowing his ball to hit a rock and kick back into the fairway - only two steps from St. Peter's shot.

God tees it up, and hits a shot that causes lightning and thunder to rain down upon the them. The ball towers higher and higher, hitting a falcon floating above. It drops straight down like a rock, into a stream, where an otter eagerly grabs it in his mouth and starts scurrying up to the green. The otter spits the ball into the sand trap, where a crab decides to start burying it. Just then, a seagull swoops by, picks up the crab in its beak, and starts to fly away - just before it spits the ball out onto the green, where it trickles into the hole for an ace.

St. Peter scowls at Moses and God, who are both wearing a shit-eating grin, and says "Look, are we going to play golf, or are you two just going to fuck around?"

Last edited by Qubes; 07-20-2007 at 09:29 AM.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-20-2007, 10:08 AM
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Then there was the daredevil that decided to bicycle through Los Angeles dressed as an altar boy .....
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