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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 07-17-2007, 09:23 PM Thread Starter
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Guffaw!

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 07-17-2007, 10:09 PM
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One day a young man drove his first car, a brand new honda civic, out of the city and into the country just to see new things. While driving he saw a herd of sheep behind a fence in a pretty valley. He got out to look as he had never seen sheep in person. He climbed over the fence and walked up to the nearest one. One thing led to another and he decided to fuck one.
Meanwhile, a county sheriff is driving along his route and sees a brand new car with the driver's door left wide open. He gets out of his cruiser and walks up to the car to see if there is any foul play. He looks all around the car and then sees a young man in the field with his pants down boning a sheep. He sighs and wonders why on his shift.
After the kid posts bail he gets his parents to hire the "best damn jury picker in the whole state" to keep this under wraps since he has been accepted to an ivy league school and this wouldn't go too far on a resume. Well the kid hears nothing from this expensive fella until the morning of the trial. He meets the lawyer for the first time at the courthouse. Nervous, he asks the dismissive, old attorney what his plan is since he is being paid so much money. The smartly attired old lawyer smiles real big, slaps the boy on the back, and says "son I just want you to get up there on that stand and look the jury square in the eye and tell the whole truth, just how you felt it, don't leave nothin' out, tell them everything you felt and when."
Well the kid is flat flabbergasted and far past desperate. He wants to cry and run for cover but it is far too late to do anything different. The old lawyer just keeps on repeating "I am the best damn jury picker in this cotton pickin' state, son" as if that is some comfort to this troubled young man. The boy can do nothing at this point but go along.
Well just as our young man on the stand tries to feebly defend his actions against the sheep he exclaims "I don't think I harmed the sheep in any way; as a matter of fact the sheep turned around afterwards and licked my, uh, well my testicles." It was exactly at this point the foreman of the jury jerked his head back and leaned over to the juror sitting next to him and whispered in his ear "ya know when your real good they'll do that."

Last edited by Shane; 07-17-2007 at 10:15 PM.
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