Stupid Paris Hilton
This absolutely cracks me up.
Her "fans" (median IQ, 59, which still exceeds Paris' by several points) are clamoring for her to be released because she brings beauty and excitement to their mundane lives. (I suppose it's something that her fans recognize they do not, in fact, have lives...)
I say we start a BW petition to keep her in jail for 90 days instead of 45. What a rich, spoiled, clueless (fill in the blank) brat.
May 14, 2007
There is a crisis in California, a crisis so great that the governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has been asked to intervene. No, we're not talking about the ever-present threat of earthquakes or the raging conflagration this past week that, regrettably, consumed more than 800 acres of Los Angeles' famed Griffith Park.
Nor is this about energy rates or North Korean missiles. This is about another looming peril -- a world without beauty, without excitement, without Paris ... Hilton, that is.
How did the Golden State reach such depths?
It all began on Sept. 7, 2006, when a police officer had the audacity to pull over the lithe, leggy Hilton, driving with a blood-alcohol level above the legal limit. Her license was suspended. But Hilton continued to drive. And cops continued to have the audacity to pull her over. In the most audacious move of all, Judge Michael Sauer, a 35-year veteran of the bench, had the temerity to sentence Hilton on May 4 to 45 days in jail. She's set to report next month.
So does the punishment fit the crimes? No, no, 25,000 times no, her disciples insist. A world without Paris, they say, is a much poorer world (and, no, they're not talking about her conspicuous consumption).
Here we were thinking Paris Hilton was just a rich girl who parlayed blond hair and breathless Valley-girl argot into inexplicable fame. It turns out, though, that she is a beacon.
"She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to [most of] our otherwise mundane lives," aver the signers of an online petition asking Schwarzenegger to liberate Paris.
By late Sunday, the petition had more than 25,000 signatures, 508 pages of John Hancocks in all. It seems there is a true grass-roots movement that, thanks to the Internet, has spread far and wide.
"If the late former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake[s], we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned," the petition states.
So will the governor act? Will he exercise the power of his office to right a perceived wrong?
"Typically, he only acts in very extraordinary circumstances," spokesman Aaron McLear told the Los Angeles Times.
Sex tapes couldn't bring her down. Nor could public spats or dubious talent. But Paris has finally fallen. What could be more extraordinary than that?
Copyright © 2007, Chicago Tribune
Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy; its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery. (Winston Churchill)