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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 05-09-2007, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
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German Engineering

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

"I vish to buy sex viz you."

"OK," says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour."

"..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do little kinky."

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees."

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees."

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

"That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?"

"Ah," says the German . . ."zat is ze....





four-sprung Duck technique!
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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 05-09-2007, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
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Chinese torture

young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small
house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."


"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 05-09-2007, 03:59 PM
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HAHAHAHA............I don't get it

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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 05-09-2007, 04:00 PM Thread Starter
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Man v Woman - Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Wal Mart when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00, Coffee $1.00, Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

1 Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old o il out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

2 Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
(1992) in the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

3 Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

4 Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent:

Parts $50.00,
Drink/Drive Fine $2500.00,
Impound fee $75.00,
Bail $1500.00.
Beer $40.00,

Total - $4165.00 -- But you know the job was done right!
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 05-09-2007, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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Don't FART in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was.

He said, "Darling, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!"
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 05-09-2007, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
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What's that...

The Year's Best (actual) world Headlines Of 2006:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[hmm!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Do they ever read what they write?]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect murder
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[Did I read that sign right?]
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 05-09-2007, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
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Irish, German & Italian

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot

2. to be hung

3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing.

The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom."
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 05-09-2007, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Little girl and the Cop

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her new shiny bike.
"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 05-09-2007, 04:18 PM Thread Starter
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Grandma and the Orange

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked,

"Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the
prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,

" Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

The policeman fainted
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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 05-09-2007, 04:19 PM
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Spent the day cleaning your Inbox?

.
.
.
.

馬鹿は死ななきゃ治らない。

.
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