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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-27-2007, 01:22 PM
dklein
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bear on the roof

How To Shoot The Bear On Your Roof
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for Bear Removers. He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

What are you going to do, the homeowner asks.

I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

What's the shotgun for? asks the homeowner.

If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-27-2007, 01:27 PM
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Originally Posted by deathrattle
Who is your Head of State?
From a de jure perspective it is HRH Queen Elizabeth II, represented by her vice regal proxy, the Governor General (currently Michaelle Jean).

From a de facto perspective, it is Stephen Harper, Prime Minister. Not just because he is the leader of the government, but most importantly because as the prime minister nominates the Governor General it is within his power to choose the Governor General through his recommedation, which is never denied. The last time a Governor General exercised any power from a political perspective was Lord Byng, in 1934 if memory serves me correctly. It was a scandal that resulted in Byng losing his position.
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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-27-2007, 01:34 PM
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Dklein

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.


Do you understand irony?
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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-27-2007, 01:35 PM
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breakfast time

Losing It On The Farm
Young Elmer comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

Not yet, said Elmer.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Feeling ticked off, he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Elmer looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
Are you going to tell him, or should I?
post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-27-2007, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by jlomon
From a de jure perspective it is HRH Queen Elizabeth II, represented by her vice regal proxy, the Governor General (currently Michaelle Jean).

From a de facto perspective, it is Stephen Harper, Prime Minister. Not just because he is the leader of the government, but most importantly because as the prime minister nominates the Governor General it is within his power to choose the Governor General through his recommedation, which is never denied. The last time a Governor General exercised any power from a political perspective was Lord Byng, in 1934 if memory serves me correctly. It was a scandal that resulted in Byng losing his position.
Good answer! Please explain to dkeinstein.
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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-27-2007, 01:41 PM
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milkin cows

Milking Dilemma
I haven't sold one tractor all month, a tractor salesman tells his friend.

That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies.

I was milking my cow when it's tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied it's tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with it's right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie it's one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with it's left hind leg, so I tie it's other leg up to the rafters.

Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya
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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-27-2007, 01:43 PM
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Dklein

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.


Do you understand irony?
speak up eh in canadian eh

bloody limies
post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-27-2007, 02:32 PM
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super cock

Once Is Never Enough
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. Randy, he said, I'm counting on you to do your stuff. And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there; he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pigpen, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out,
Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself! But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying,
Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy.

Shhhhh, Randy whispered, The buzzard's getting closer...
post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-27-2007, 02:45 PM
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texans

You Might Be A Texan If...
Are your cowpies made of beef?

1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, San Antonio, Mexia, Waco, Beaumont and Amarillo.

2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

10. You measure distance in minutes or hours.

11. You refer to the capital of Texas as "home of the Longhorns."

12. You know that the Chicken Ranch didn't really raise chickens, it raised Aggies.

13. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

14. You go to the lake because you know what a Bigmouth and a Striper is.

15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan a wedding date.

18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

20. You know that "Damnyankee" is one word.

21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 diesel 4x4 is.

24. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing or hot sauce.

25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

26. You actually like these joe-ks and are fixin' to send them to your friends.

27. You know not to order a chicken fried steak using words like "rare" or "well done".

28. You never use the word "veggies".

29. You know where the Cotton Bowl is.

30. You are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."
post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 02-27-2007, 02:53 PM
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All we need to know about Canada is that it's littered stem to stern with floppy-headed, brown-eyed/brown-haired, Arbonne-selling, inbred mudhole-humping fuckers like yourself. Go tie your balls in a knot.
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