If car insurance was like health insurance...

[Digmenow]

<dial tone>
<bap-boop-beep-beep-boop-bop-bap- bip-bip-beep-boop>
<ringing>
Welcome to AllFarm...Para el español, ahora presione ocho.
<cheesy music>
Welcome to the AllFarm automated customer service line. For faster service, please enter your 14 digit account number now, followed by the pound sign.
<bip-beep-boop-bap.....beep-boop-bop> Shit!
I'm sorry, that is not a valid account number. For faster service, please enter your 14 digit account number now, followed by the pound sign.
<bip-beep-boop-bap-beep-boop-bip-beep-boop-bap-beep-boop-boop-bap #>
Thank you.
For Life Insurance, press one.
For Home Owners Insurance, press two.
For Health Insurance,
Come the FUCK on, bitch!
...press three.
For Pet Insurance,
Oh my freakin' God!
...press four.
If you have been in an accident and this is an emergency, press five.
For Automobile Insurance, press six.
<bop>
<cheesy music>
Welcome to the AllFarm Automobile Insurance line. For faster service, please enter your 14 digit account number now, followed by the pound sign.
<bip-beep-boop-bap.....beep-boop-bop> Fucken-Shit!
I'm sorry, that is not a valid account number. For faster service, please enter your 14 digit account number now, followed by the pound sign.
<bip-beep-boop-bap-beep-boop-bip-beep-boop-bap-beep-boop-boop-bap #>
Thank you.
<cheesy music>
All of our Customer Service Representatives are busy. Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line for the next available Representative.
<cheesy music>
All of our Customer Service Representatives are busy. Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line for the next available Representative.
<cheesy music>
AllFarm Auto Insurance, may I have your 14 digit account number please?
I entered it twice already on the automated line!
Thank you sir but it will speed up your service if you can read it to me now.
5-0-8-1-8-0-5-8-0-1-8-0-0-1
Thank you, Mr. Smythe?
Smith.
Thank you, Mr. Smith. Where would you like to drive today?
I need to drive to work this morning and back home tonight.
I see...do you have a referral for that?
No...it's my regular work. I drive there every day.
Hmmm...Oh yes, I see a note attached here to your file..work and back, daily.
That will be $13.66. Would you like me to charge that to your listed credit card?
Fine.
OK. Mr. Smythe...
Smith!
OK, Mr. Smith, that's one trip to and from work today. Will there be any other trips?
I might drive to the Harbor House Bar and Grille for lunch.
Hmm...since alcohol is served at that establishment, your cost will be $22.61.
WHAT?? That's more than my round trip to work! What if I go to someplace that doesn't serve alcohol...let's say, McDonalds?
Hold please.
<cheesy music>
OK. Mr. Smythe...
SMITH!
OK, Mr. Smith, that's one trip to McDonalds, your Auto Insurance cost will be $2.98...
That's better.
...and your Health Insurance will increase for a one time cholesteral fee of $38.71.
Never mind, I'll bring a lunch.
OK. Mr. Smythe...
SMITH, you ignorant...!
OK, Mr. Smith, I'll remove the lunch trip from your account. The charge to your credit card will be reversed in seven to ten weeks.
You damn skippy it will. I'll be checkin', muthafukker!
OK. Mr. Smythe...is there anything else I can do for you today?
SIGH, No, I'll call you before work tomorrow.
Fine. OK. Mr. Smythe, please know we are here to meet all your driving needs. You're on a good side when you're there under our blanket!

[Digmenow]

That was some of my best fiction.
Oh well...back to the day job.