Back in 97, I had a new Jeep wrangler. I got new (bigger) tires on it, and when the mechanic was done, he pulled it around and left it running. He rolled the old tires out which I wanted to keep as I was going to sell them (only had a few thousand miles on them). This Auto place (an anchor store at the end of a shopping mall) was right across the street from a place (in MD) called Merriweather Post Pavillion. A lot of the poorer bastards who couldn't afford to get into the concerts would use this Mall parking lot to tailgate and act like assholes.
After we loaded the tires in the back, the mechanic, my friend and I were just bullshitting about cars, because the mechanic had a Mustang, and my friend had a Z-28 that ran high 12's in the quartermile. It's about 8:30 at night in August, so it's getting dark.
We were standing about 5 feet to the rear of the Jeep, when I notice my dome light come on. Some asshole is opening the door, and is attempting to drive away. I immediately jump on the running board, and start punching him in the face. The door is still open, and we're riding through the parking lot at 30 mph. I have one hand full of hair, and the other hand was INSIDE his mouth, grabing his lower jaw. I almost had him out (yeah the Jeep would have gone out of control and bashed into another car, but so what, I wanted to kill this asshole.) His head was all the way outside of the truck.
Finally, I fell, got pushed, or jumped off- only had a t-shirt and shorts on. Roadrash up the whole side of one leg, one ass cheek, one whole side of my back, and a big lump on my head. My friend with the Z-28 starts to take off after the guy to see which way he left the mall (three ways to leave the mall at one stop sign). He tosses me the keys to his Z, and I jump in. I think I had the thing in drive 1 before it even started. A bunch of people were in the way, trying to see if I was OK. I almost ran them all over. I laid wheel up the whole parking lot, and eventually saw my friend at the left exit, and picked him up. He told me which way to go, and after tooling up that road at 100 mph, I saw that motherfucker sitting at a traffic light, with a CIGARETTE LIT! Calm and cool, like it was his fucking truck!! The light turns green, and he is turning left. I hit the intersection so fast, the back wheels were up on the sidewalk (no curb) and the front wheels were in the right lane. I straightened her out, and the chase began. I distinctly remember telling my friend, "I'm going to jail tonight".
We ran through lights, with me honking and flashing the high beams. After 3 sets of lights, he slams on the brakes in the middle of the road. I thought he was going to bail out, or jump the median and go to the other side of the street. He starts going again, and at 40 mph, he takes a 90 degree right hand turn into a movie theatre parking lot- Jeep goes up on two wheels, he loses control, almost runs 5 people over (movie had just let out). He eventually spins into a long 180, and smashes the front of the Jeep into a parked car. That threw it up into the air again, and when it came down, it was rolling backwards, smashing into two parallel parked cars.
We block the bastard in with our car, and run up to the Jeep (a soft top), one of us to each side. He locks the doors, and begins screaming "OK you got me, I give up". On a Jeep with a softop, you can unzip it from the outside. We got the windows down, and began bashing him in the face from both side of the Jeep, while he was sitting in the middle, on top of the console. I eventually grab him by the hair, and drop him to the ground, StOmPiNg on his face. His nose exploded, but he got up. We beat this bastard worse than Reginald Denny.
We were just teeing off on him. At one point, he was on all fours, and I'm just backing up, PuNtInG him in the face. This went on for 4 minutes. Finally, a security guard came out and broke it up. We explained what happened to him, and he turned the guy around to put those plastic zip-cuffs on him. This fucker breaks loose and starts running through the parking lot. I ran him down in about 45 seconds, grabbed him by the back of his shorts and around his neck, turn him around in mid-air, and he bashes his head THROUGH the plastic headlight lens of a late 80s Mustang. The police were there at this point, and cuff him. (Someone from the Mall called them). While they had him on the ground, he apologized, saying his girlfriend "caught him scamming on some other chicks at the concert (Lilith Fair no less!!!), and left him without a ride home." "Dude, how was I supposed to get home?"
I responded to him by trying to mashing his eyeballs through the back of his head with my fingers, them booting him in the ribs. Two cops tackled me and held me down. The guy kept saying he was going to sue me.
The cops let me go with no charges, and they took my side for the most part. The big thing they were mad about is he vomitted and shit his pants in the back of their car. We eventually went to court and his plea was innocent by way of "Involuntary intoxication". I assume it means that because he was drunk, it was OK for him to steal my truck (with my wallet and house keys in it), knock me off the side going thirty miles an hour, then leave me there. He even admitted to lighting up a cigarette at that first traffic light. They wanted a lesser charge because "I only BORROWED it to get home, I wasn't going to strip it or steal from it." He claims he was just going to leave it at a train station, with the keys in it (with my wallet, I.D. and house keys also, ASSHOLE!!!). He eventually got 2 years in jail, with one suspended, and he had to go right from court that day. He used the excuse that he was now living in Florida, and had counseling for his alchohol problem, so he shouldn't have to do any time. He also asked to go home for a week and tie up loose ends. They dragged his ass off right then and there, and when we walked out of the courtroom, we found his rental car in the parking lot, and gave that the works also.
Aside from the scrubbing I had to get done on my skin for 2 weeks, (the thought still makes my eyes water) it was well worth it. It's about time a criminal gets their ass kicked. The thing that REALLY sucked, is that the United Parcel Service was on strike at the time, and my Jeep sat in the shop for a month waiting for parts.