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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 11-05-2006, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
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A new age

“In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas; which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect;

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter U will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and neighbour. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut’ without skipping half the letters and the suffix “ize” will be replaced with “ise”.

Generally you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to an acceptable level – look up vocabulary. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises - such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ – is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘ize’.

You will relearn your original national anthem. God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you are not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you are not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you are not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are poo and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) and pay roughly $6/US Gallon. Get used to it! You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to a beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as near-frozen gnats urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having ones ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called ‘The World Series’ for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It has been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. Tax Collector) from Her majesties Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (back dated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 11-05-2006, 12:03 PM
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Yeah and all light switches will be turned around so they work the correct way- up for off and down for on.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 11-05-2006, 03:14 PM
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Last edited by yoseyman; 01-01-2008 at 05:14 PM.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 11-05-2006, 03:57 PM
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All those dentists and maxiofacial surgeons out of work. Brings a tear to me eye, guvnuh.

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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 11-05-2006, 06:34 PM
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Would we also be required to surrender our privacy as have her current subjects in regards to the thousands of CCTV cameras mounted on Her Royal Majesty’s various light poles and posts placed along Britain’s motorways? You see, most of the fine Brits that I have met that come over to the States seem to have an unusually skewed sense of scale. Most seem to want me to drive them by the Grand Canyon on our way from the Atlanta or Chicago Airport to Kentucky. When I explain the 4000 miles of additional driving, they have a lost look on their face.

If that scale thingie is a "feature", Her Majesty will need to buy a Metric Shitload of CCTV cameras to continue the monitoring of her new subjects "for our protection".

We also need to understand if we need to reduce the quantity of choices we have at supermarkets and “bigbox” stores. When some of those same friends from Milton Keynes asked for breakfast cereal they looked as though they were on Mars after looking through the cereal aisle of the grocery store. We really should tidy that up before Her Majesty comes for inspection.

I think this idea has merit. Having watched the British Parliament in action on CSpan I can appreciate just how much better the Monarchial/Parliamentarian system has flowed. Our only request, other than that dental thing, would be that we not be required, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, to use LUCAS electricals.


Being smart is knowing the difference, in a sticky situation between a well delivered anecdote and a well delivered antidote - bear.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 11-05-2006, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by mcbear
Having watched the British Parliament in action on CSpan I can appreciate just how much better the Monarchial/Parliamentarian system has flowed.
Hell yes! Prime Minister's Questions: best damn TV out there.

I love when they start by saying 'My right honorable friend' and then proceed to shred the shit out of the person.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 11-05-2006, 07:30 PM
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Traffic cameras? Oh hell no. I would have to leave for my own protection.
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