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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-20-2006, 05:48 PM Thread Starter
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South Park does Python

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-20-2006, 08:00 PM
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The Cheese Shop

(a customer walks in the door)

Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
Owner: Peckish, sir?
Customer: Esuriant.
Owner: Eh?
Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!
Owner: Ah, hungry!
Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
Owner: Come again?

Customer: I want to buy some cheese.
Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Owner: Sorry?
Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?
Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man
Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Red Windsor?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Ah. Stilton?
Owner: Sorry.
Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?
Owner: No.
Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
Owner: No.
Customer: Lipta?
Owner: No.
Customer: Lancashire?
Owner: No.
Customer: White Stilton?
Owner: No.
Customer: Danish Brew?
Owner: No.
Customer: Double Goucester?
Owner: (pause) No.
Customer: Cheshire?
Owner: No.
Customer: Dorset Bluveny?
Owner: No.
Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
Owner: No.
Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?
Owner: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Customer: Oh, I like it runny.
Owner: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Customer: What now?
Owner: The cat's eaten it.
Customer: (pause) Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
Customer: (pause) Gouda?
Owner: No.
Customer: Edam?
Owner: No.
Customer: Case Ness?
Owner: No.
Customer: Smoked Austrian?
Owner: No.
Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?
Owner: No, sir.
Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
Owner: Yes?
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
Customer: (pause) Greek Feta?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
Owner: No.
Customer: Parmesan,
Owner: No.
Customer: Mozarella,
Owner: No.
Customer: Paper Cramer,
Owner: No.
Customer: Danish Bimbo,
Owner: No.
Customer: Czech sheep's milk,
Owner: No.
Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.
Customer: (pause) Aah, how about Cheddar?
Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular cheese in the world!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
Owner: 'Illchester, sir.
Customer: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Customer: Is it.
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you sir....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
Owner: No.
Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Owner: Yessir?
Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
Owner: Yes, sir.
Customer: Really?
(pause)
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-20-2006, 08:10 PM Thread Starter
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-20-2006, 09:28 PM
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What's Brown and sounds like a bell? '''''Dung'''''
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-21-2006, 12:32 AM
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cancer does Python

Daily Mirror
21 October 2006
PYTHON LEGEND BATTLES CANCER
Exclusive By Gary Anderson And Martin Fricker
MONTY Python star Terry Jones is fighting cancer and will have surgery within days.

Doctors say the 64-year-old comedian and TV director has bowel cancer but believe they have caught it at an early stage.

Dad-of-two Terry was last night at a private hospital in London with his 21-year-old Swedish girlfriend Anna Soderstrom.


His agent Jodi Shield said: "He is having a routine exploratory operation in the next few days. His surgeon is fairly confident - they think they've got it early enough. He's in great spirits. We're having to make him stop working."


Python co-star Carol Cleveland said: "I'm just praying he is going to be fine. Terry is a strong Welshman - I'm confident he'll beat it."


Doctors told Terry he had cancer a few days before last week's West End premiere of the Python musical Spamalot.


But he insisted on being at the show and posed for pictures alongside Python pals Michael Palin, Eric Idle and Terry Gilliam.


Terry was a creator of the Monty Python team that revolutionised British comedy in the 1970s - and became a household name along with Palin, Idle, Gilliam, John Cleese and Graham Chapman. He is best known for playing Python's bizarre female characters. His most famous creation is Brian's mum in The Life of Brian - in which he yells at his son's devoted followers: "He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy."


Terry has directed three Python films - Life of Brian, Monty Python and the Holy Grail and The Meaning of Life.


He has also made popular history programmes for the BBC, published books on the ancient and medieval periods and written numerous children's stories. In recent years he has been an outspoken critic of Tony Blair and the war in Iraq.


Terry last year left wife Alison after 35 years of married life to live with Anna, who he met at one of his book signings.


His daughter Sally, 32, declined to comment last night.


Bowel cancer is the UK's third most common cancer - claiming 16,000 lives last year. If detected early enough it is relatively easy to treat.


X-Factor judge Sharon Osbourne successfully battled the disease after having surgery and chemotherapy.


England's World Cup winning skipper Bobby Moore died of bowel cancer in 1993.


Terry's fellow Python pioneer Graham Chapman died aged 48 in 1989 after a long battle with throat cancer.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-21-2006, 05:40 AM
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Ever seen that clip of John Cleese eulogizing Graham Chapman?

Oh. My. God!
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-21-2006, 05:45 AM
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^^^^^^^

Here you go. Happy Saturdays!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ij43AcfPAc
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-21-2006, 06:19 AM Thread Starter
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