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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-02-2006, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
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72 virgins

In the February 23rd issue of NEWSWEEK Thauria Hamur was interviewed by one of the magazine's international journalists, Joanna Chen. Ms. Hamur had been captured in May 2002, by the Israeli authorities before she had a chance to blow herself up in a pizza restaurant in south Jerusalem. One of the questions/answers in the formal interview was:

Chen - "Men are promised that'll become martyrs in paradise. As a woman, what were you promised?"

Hamur - "According to the Qur'an, God promised the martyrs a reward of 70 virgins, and those who die a martyr's death will be kept alive and sustained by God. Women martyrs are promised that they will become the purest and most beautiful form of angel at the highest level possible in heaven."

While Ms. Chen then wandered off into questions about how Ms. Hamur handled the moral issues of shredding fellow pizza lovers as well as herself, readers of THOCBDC wanted to linger a bit longer on the afterlife.

P.R. from Brisbane, Australia asked: "About these 70 virgins ... ah ... what happens when, or after, you have used one of them? Is her virginity lost or does she revert to the Maker's Default Setting: Virginity?"

L.T. from Maidenhead, England wondered: "Though 70 is a pretty acceptable number if you are measuring ... say the time between early teens and the point when most men would just as soon settle down to a good read on the toilet ... but, it's not a big number when all of eternity stretches out in front of you. In fact that 70 is an infinitesimally small number. After the martyr has run through the first batch of 70 does he get a fresh supply? Or, does God just push the man's 'Reset' button ... after which the martyr gets his 'program' restarted from scratch without any memory of his prior trots?"

R.K. from Frankfurt, Germany wrote: "Assuming that there are lots of martyrs in heaven ... then there must be at least 70 times that number of virgins. Suppose martyr 'A' fancies a virgin belonging to martyr 'B' (and vice versa) can they swap?"

N.Z. from Niagara Falls, USA questioned: "Where does God get these virgins? Are they ripely plucked from the prettiest grown here on Earth or are they...rather like the audioanimatrons from the Disney works...made specifically for that one heavenly job?"

M.B. from Amsterdam, Holland mused: "I would suspect that these virgins might get pretty tired being laid by the same guy for eternity. What's God's position on allowing the girls to have a little fun among themselves?"

R.L. from Tokyo, Japan shifted gears with: "What exactly do you, as a woman, get out of the deal? Guys get 70 virgins while you wind up with being 'the purest and most beautiful form of angel at the highest level possible' ... Does this mean that you get to do it with God?

P.T. from Shanghai, China meowed: "Obviously if you had successfully blown yourself to bits God wouldn't want to put you back together again just like you were. From your picture in NEWSWEEK I'm guessing that the Big Man tipped off the Israelis as to what you were up to."

S.T. from Singapore wondered: "Following on P.T.'s speculation ... and getting back to the male martyrs ... what exactly does God do with the blown apart pieces? If the guy was a little short in the anatomy or if he had an erectile dysfunction does God refit him?"

S.W. from Avignon, France asked: "What if he prefers sheep? Or goats? Camels?"

X.F. from Fort Lauderdale, USA raised a technical/translation point: "Some have suggested that a correct reading of the Qur'an means that God only rewards martyrs with white raisins ... not virgins. Are you sure that you, being a woman, will wind up as an angel and not just an anvil ... like in your real life?"

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-02-2006, 02:19 PM
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V. V. from Norway asked why wait untill death for your 72 virgins , and I want mead form God till the end of time not more Women .
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-02-2006, 02:23 PM
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The women martyrs will end up one of the 72 virgins. Screwed in death just like in life.

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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-02-2006, 05:05 PM
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You think in paradise they all have the 28 day cycle and that they would have it at the same time, if they are all living together. God one woman is bad enough imagine 72!
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 09-02-2006, 10:13 PM
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72 Virginians!

soOsama dies and goes to Heaven.After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, idiot. What did you think I said?"
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