Hunters and deer... - Mercedes-Benz Forum

 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-18-2006, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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Hunters and deer...

After returning from a hunting*expedition, a hunter was interviewed by the local paper because he'd shot the largest deer ever in North America.

The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?`or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

The hunter replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-18-2006, 03:18 PM
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Talking

Rotfl
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-18-2006, 03:27 PM
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Good one.

Is this thread limited to skewering the French only, though? (not that I would object, mind you).

If not here's my contribution:

Bob was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie
said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the
fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so
you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

Bob sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted
to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you
build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics
of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish."

Bob said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, Bob said,
"I've been married and divorced three times. My wives always said that I
don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand
women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they
give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying, know what they
really want when they say 'nothing'...know how to make them truly
happy..."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-18-2006, 04:18 PM
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"For years, many governments played down the threats of the Islamic revolution, turned a blind eye to international terrorism and accepted the development of weaponry of mass destruction. Indeed, some politicians were happy to go further, collaborating with the self-proclaimed enemies of the West for their own short-term gain - but enough about the French."

- Margaret Thatcher
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-18-2006, 05:37 PM
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the
Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has
breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he
sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards
ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no
ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I
work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not
going to trust an IRS genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner
anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides
that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food
and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis
he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of
wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest
dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK,
cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make
it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
"I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women
will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going
to be a string attached
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-18-2006, 05:47 PM
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Q: What do you get when you throw a grenade in a French kitchen?





A: Linoleum Blownapart.

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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-19-2006, 03:17 PM
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Good ones!
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Don't believe everything you think
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-19-2006, 03:46 PM
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A Brief French 'Military' History



Gaul vs. Julius Caesar - Gaul defeated by Rome circa 49 B.C. (Rome defeated the early French swine - the Frenchies had to Hail Julius Caesar as their new leader)

Gaul vs. Franks - Gaul defeated by Franks (the 'original' French, replaced by the Franks *sigh*)
Franks vs. Huns - Huns sack Paris circa 450 A.D. (Huns finally defeated here - Attila's ONLY defeat. Notice it was done by a German-Roman coalition, NOT the Franks)

Franks vs. Themselves - Clovis unites Franks into one kingdom around 511 A.D. He dies and the 'kingdom' falls apart at the seams. Ever hear of naming a successor or how bout a will?

Franks vs. Muslims - Charles Martel defeats a SMALL Muslim raiding party at the Battle of Tours in 732 A.D. Muslims lost interest so Charles claimed a 'great victory'. Notice they didn't follow up and kick the Muslims out of Spain though.....

Franks vs. Franks - Charlemagne crowned 'Emperor of the Romans', Christmas 800 A.D. Again this 'empire' fell apart by 840 A.D. - sheesh. Charlemagne could read but couldn't write - now what sense does that make?

Franks vs. Vikings - From 841 to 911 A.D. the Viking Warrior-Badasses mopped the Frankish countryside with Frank ass. France surrenders Normandy to Vikings 911 A.D. (Stupid mid-evil France was easily bullied by real warriors)

Franks vs. Black Death - 1347 - 1350 A.D. Black Death kills Frenchies good. This plague was said to originate in Mongolia, from the vermin. BUT, we all know it HAD to have came from the filthy French swine.

France vs. England - 100 Years War 1337 - 1453 A.D. Battle of Crecy - 1337 A.D. (English hand the French their own asses in the start of the 100 Years War with the timely use of the longbow. French knights are mowed down like the cannon fodder they were.) Battle of Poitiers, 1356 A.D. - More of the same. Battle of Agincourt, 1415 A.D. - Henry V gets some French butt-whoopin' action. Unfortunately, a heretic freak named Joan of Arc came along and united all the French Frogs and they managed to repel the English. And we all know where that got her....TOASTY.

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

France vs. France - 1572 A.D. St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre by Queen Catherine. She killed thousands of protestants and Jews. Hrm...that sounds really familiar - the FINAL SOLUTION ring any bells? Evidently these bastards were no better than Nazi Germany and yet they are proud of their heritage?

France vs. Europe - War of Spanish Succession 1648 A.D. (France tries to fight rest of Europe over Spain and looses to Frederick William of Germany)

France vs. Europe - 7 Years War or French Indian War 1756 A.D. (France gets beat up on 2 different continents by England and Germany plus the early future Americans - a guy named George Washington ring any bells?)

France vs. France - French Revolution 1789 - 1799A.D. (France kicks their own asses) Dr. Guillotine makes a handy invention that allows the Frenchies to chop off their own heads with amazing speed - thanks Jacobin Republicans!

France vs. Europe - Waterloo 1815 A.D. (Wellington delivers knockout to Napoleon - 2nd time. This comes AFTER the Russian Winter destroyed the largest army in the World and the U.S. conned old Nappy in the Louisiana Purchase - WHAT A BARGAIN!)

France vs. France - French Revolution (again) 1848 A.D. (France is still kicking their own asses on a smaller scale)

France vs. Mexico - late 1860s - early 1870s A.D. - France conquers Mexico. Wow! Amazing. What an accomplishment. Funny though, when the U.S. decided to enforce the Monroe Doctrine and in so many words told France to get the HELL out of our side of the world, they tucked tail and ran.

France vs. Prussia - Franco-Prussian War 1870 A.D. (William I of Germany kicks the teeth out of Napoleon III - good old Willy proclaims himself emperor of Germany at the Palace of Versailles - can you say bitchslap?) This all started because France opposed the unification of Germany - notice this starts a nasty chain of events that doesn't end till 1945......seems to me we can almost chalk up WWI and II on the dumbass French.

France vs. Germany - WWI 1914-1918 A.D. (Germany beats the hell out of France - without the aid of USA, France would be speaking German. France only won because of Uncle Sam jumped in - then those dumbass sore-winners in France impose an incredibly harsh Treaty of Versailles to 'punish' the Germans. Notice the resulting conditions of this allowed the rise of an unknown Austrian named HITLER.

France vs. Germany - Rise of Hitler 1933-1939 A.D. (Germany bullies France into letting them take more territory - the wussies wouldn't even fight over it - they adopted a policy of 'appeasement' - can you say SCARED?)

France vs. Germany Round II - WWII June 22, 1940 A.D. (France surrenders to Hitler at Compiegne after putting up a fight that made Polish Army look good. Notice Vichy France who quickly jumped ship to be friends with the Germans. And once again without the help of good old Uncle Sam the Atlantic Wall would never have been penetrated - France would either be a part of the 3rd Reich or a satellite country of Communist Russia under Uncle Joe Stalin)

France vs. Vietcong - Vietnam 1954 A.D. (French Army at Dien Bien Phu surrender to Ho Chi Minh)

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache.

Last edited by Von Vorschlag; 09-30-2007 at 12:01 PM.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 08-19-2006, 05:21 PM
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I don't know what's funnier, the original joke that started this thread or a solemn recitation of France's military misadventures...
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