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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-09-2006, 07:23 AM Thread Starter
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Pesky Parrots

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity" "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam" "I'm not a madam and this ISn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dennis?"


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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-09-2006, 07:25 AM Thread Starter
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RE: Pesky Parrots

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a Parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to Her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly angry now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, You are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said That she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure The parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the Parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-09-2006, 07:36 AM Thread Starter
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RE: Pesky Parrots

A man got on a plane and took his seat, only to realize that the occupant of the seat next to him was a parrot. The plane took off and after some minutes a flight attendant approached. "Can I get you anything, sir?" she asked the man. "Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you."

"And for you, sir?" she asked the parrot. "A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm fucking thirsty!" demanded the parrot. The flight attendant returned a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatched without a word.

"Excuse me," said the man, "but I ordered a coffee." "Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get it right away," she said, by which time the parrot had finished his drink.

"Anything else for you, sir?" she asked the parrot. "Yeah, I want another fucking double whisky and coke, fool. Quick, you lazy woman, I can't wait all night!"

Again the flight attendant returned with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. The man decided that the only way he was going to get any service was to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger. "Listen here you stupid woman," he said. "I want my damn coffee and I want it now, you ugly cow!"

Two minutes later she returned with two enormous security guards who dragged the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, opened the door, and ejected them from the plane.

As they hurtled uncontrollably towards earth from six miles up, the parrot turned to the man and said, "You're a bit of a smart mouth for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-09-2006, 04:12 PM
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RE: Pesky Parrots

Excellent!
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-09-2006, 04:24 PM
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RE: Pesky Parrots

Captain of a 747 speaks on the intercom, We'll be flying in to miami in about another hour and thank you for flying Delta.
however he forgot to turn off the intercom and leaned back and said to his co-pilot "I think I'll go take a shit and then fuck the fight attendent."

As the whole plane heard this the flight attendent started to run to the cockpit to let the pilot know the speaker is still on.

A little old lady grabs her and says " no need to run dear he said he was taking a shit first!"


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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-09-2006, 04:46 PM
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RE: Pesky Parrots

C'mon yosey, stay on topic in the off topic forum! It's parrot jokes, not airplane jokes.

Such as:

An elderly lady enters the pet shop. The owner comes up to her and say, "How may I be of assistance, ma'am?"

She says, "So sorry to trouble you, sir. I'd like a parrot, but to be quite honest, I haven't much money."

The owner looks at her worn clothing and decides to be extra kind.

"This one, ma'am, for you, I can make a special price," he says. "He's beautiful, and as a bonus, he can sing 'God Save the Queen.'

"Well, I really don't care about that," said the little old lady. "Is he tender?"
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-09-2006, 04:57 PM
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RE: Pesky Parrots

Alright I tried to slip one in.

so I guess I owe a parrot joke.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again."Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?""Clarence," said the bird."That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-09-2006, 06:59 PM
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RE: Pesky Parrots

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."

She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-09-2006, 11:12 PM
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RE: Pesky Parrots

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to piss in the boat."
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-09-2006, 11:18 PM
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RE: Pesky Parrots

This woman's husband died at sea and she received his parrot as the only possession by which to remember him. Even though it was foulmouthed, she put up with it for sentimental reasons.

After several unsuccessful months of trying to coerce the parrot to change his "sailor" ways, she finally issued him an ultimatum, "I'm having the bridge club over today and if one swear word is heard in the room, I'm going to feed you to the cat!"

The parrot mulled this over and decided he had better start reforming or he was soon to become kitty fare.

Later that day, the ladies started showing up. Unfortunately, one very large, elderly, snobbish-type woman sat down right by the corner where the parrot's cage was. After a few hands of cards, there was a refreshment break and the conversation really started getting heavy. The parrot didn't care much for the conversation or the attitude of the lady. The more she talked, the more he got these twinges to do something to get rid of her.

Finally the parrot had it and piped up with, "Whore boat leavin' for China at two o'clock!"

The woman looked up and said, "Well! I never!" then she stood up and headed for the door.

Everyone is frozen in their seats when the parrot yelled after her, "Hey! Where are you goin', bitch? Boat don't leave till two!"
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