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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-20-2006, 03:05 PM Thread Starter
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A few jokes

Two flies are sitting on a piece of sh--. One fly farts. The other one says, "Do you mind? I'm trying to eat."

Four nuns are trying to get into heaven. They approach St. Peter and he asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" She says, "Yes, I did touch one with my finger one time." He says, "That's okay, just rinse your finger in the holy water and you can come in." St. Peter asks the second nun, "Did you ever touch a penis?" The nun says, "Yes, I touched it with my hand." He says, "That's okay. Just rinse your hand in the holy
water and you can come in." Suddenly, the fourth nun says, "If you think I'm going to gargle with that after she sticks her ass in it, you're crazy!"

A lady goes to a gynecologist. The doctor says to her, "You have a very large vagina. You have a very large vagina." The lady says, "You don't have to say it twice." The doctor said, "I didn't."

Why do Canadians do it doggie style? So they can both watch the hockey game.


How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? What are you, a f---ing cop?

A guy is at a bar and he's really drunk and he's worried about going home to his wife. So his friend says to him, "You know, if you don't want your wife to get really mad at you, as soon as you go home, make love to her like you never have before." The man decides to take his advice, and as soon as he gets home, he jumps on his wife and makes love to her fast and furious like a wild man. Then he goes into the bathroom and sees his wife who
says to him, "SSShhhhhh, be quiet! My mother's sleeping in our room."

SEXUAL THOUGHT
They say men have a sexual thought every ten seconds. I have no problem with that. It's that dead air in between I hate. I spend that time planning my next sexual thought.
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-20-2006, 03:23 PM
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RE: A few jokes

Know what you give a woman who has everything?

Penicillin.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-20-2006, 04:04 PM
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RE: A few jokes

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

1962 300SL roadster
2003 ML500
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-20-2006, 04:30 PM
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RE: A few jokes



http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c328/nutz4benz/W123/6C3A9CA5-EDFF-4834-8125-34B70B20A676_zpsiyesrawz.jpg
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-20-2006, 04:56 PM
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RE: A few jokes

I like the "highly ornamental, especially in sports cars" [:I]
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-20-2006, 05:12 PM
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RE: A few jokes

An old man goes to see the doctor.
"it's about my bowel movements..." says the old man.
"Are they loose?" asks the doctor.
"No" says the old man.
"Are you constipated then?" asks the doctor.
"No" says the old man, "Regular as clockwork, that's me!" he continues. "You can set your watch by it....eight o'clock every morning without fail."
"So what's the problem?" asks the doctor.
"I don't wake up till nine!"

[xx(]
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-20-2006, 05:15 PM
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RE: A few jokes

Quote:
Nutz 4 Benz - 2/20/2006 5:30 PM


Jeezus Nutz....I'm having epileptic convulsions over here.

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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-20-2006, 05:21 PM
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RE: A few jokes

Quote:
ThrillKill - 2/20/2006 7:15 PM

Quote:
Nutz 4 Benz - 2/20/2006 5:30 PM


Jeezus Nutz....I'm having epileptic convulsions over here.
m,m,m,m,m,m,m,m,me,e,e,e,e,e,e t,t,t,t,t,t,too,oo,oo,oo,oo,oo

.
.
.
.

馬鹿は死ななきゃ治らない。

.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-20-2006, 07:08 PM
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RE: A few jokes

What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

If the rubber breaks,you're dead
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 02-20-2006, 09:00 PM
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RE: A few jokes

A 19 year old nun at the convent had never been out in the real world and Mother Superior decided it was time for Sister Celestine to get out awhile. Mother asked Celestine what she'd like to do and Celestine chose Deep Sea Fishing.

Celestine then hired 2 Mexicans to take her out to fish. They fished for 2 days when suddenly Sister Celestine hung the biggest fish ever! She fought and fought until they wrestled it aboard. It was HUGE. One Mexican was so excited that he sceamed, look at theese fine som a bitch! Sister Celestine was horrified and began to cross her chest and pray. Seeking to cover their ass, they said: No, no, you no undastand seesta! Theese is what we call theese magnificent creeture. Sister Celestine said, "by all means, if that's what the good lord named it, then what are we to argue. It's a fine son of a bitch!"

Upon arriving back at the convent, Sister Celestine proudly showed all the nuns and the priest the fish. "Look at this fine son of a bitch!" she screamed. All the nuns and the priest collapsed on the ground crossing themselves and exclaiming how she had been in the world only a few days and was already corrupted.

"You don't understand!" exclaimed Celestine. "That's what this fish is called!" They all agreed that if it's the name the lord gave it, then by all means, that's what they'd call it. A son of a bitch!

The priest began to wonder how they were going to eat all that fish. Sister Celestine thought about how they had bad relations with a black Baptist minister down the road and it was time to patch things up. So they invited him over and he came.

At the dinner table, the priest got up to offer a toast. "A toast to Sister Celestine and this fine son of a bitch she just caught!" The black minister jumped up and screamed, "I knew you mutherfuckers was alright!!"
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