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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-16-2006, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
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Dead parrot



An old lady took her parrot to the vet! "He hasn't moved for ages" she told him. The vet replied "Hardly surprising Mrs Jones, your parrot is dead" "Are you sure?" she retorted. "Hang on a minute" he replied. He went out the room for a few seconds and returned with a kitten. The kitten looked at the parrot, sniffed at it, looked up at the vet and shook it's head.
Next he went out and brought in a Labrador, the dog sniffed at the parrot, licked its feathers then looked up at the vet and shook its head. "Definitely dead" said the vet
"O.K. then" the old lady said "How much do I owe you?"
"£275.00" replied the vet
"£275.00?" the old lady screamed, "how can you justify that?
"Well" said the vet"normally it would only have cost £25, but you insisted on the cat-scan and a lab report".
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-16-2006, 11:30 AM
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RE: Dead parrot

The Pet Shoppe
A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

O: We're closin' for lunch.

C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!

(shouting at the cage)

'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)

O: There, he moved!

C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

O: I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

O: I never, never did anything...

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

C: STUNNED?!?

O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

O: No no! 'E's pining!

C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!

'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

C: I see. I see, I get the picture.

O: I got a slug.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?

O: Nnnnot really.

C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.

C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?

O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.

C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.

He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.

Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!

C: I beg your pardon...?

A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!

C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know.

C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.

A: No, this is Bolton.

C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!

A: Can't blame British Rail for that.

C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

C: I understand this IS Bolton.

O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?

C: You told me it was Ipswitch!

O: ...It was a pun.

C: (pause) A PUN?!?

O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?

O: Yeah, that's it!

C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!

O: Well, what do you want?

C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...

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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-16-2006, 11:34 AM
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RE: Dead parrot

Dead bird


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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-16-2006, 11:41 AM Thread Starter
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RE: Dead parrot

Why did the muddy puppy cross the road twice?























Because he was a dirty double-crossing son-of-a-bitch.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-16-2006, 11:45 AM
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RE: Dead parrot

I ASSURE YOU THE PARROT IS NOT DEAD!


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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-16-2006, 11:53 AM
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RE: Dead parrot

Blonde, redhed & brunette go in a bar, red head tells the bartender, give me a B L . Bartendeer says B L? she said Duh, a Bud Light. The Brunette says Give me a M U. he asked MU? Duh, Michelob ultra!
The blonde says give me a Fifteen. the bartender asks fifteen? she said yeah a seven & seven Duh!
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-16-2006, 12:00 PM Thread Starter
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RE: Dead parrot

It's afternoon in the wood and after work the bear is rolling a spliff. From no appartent direction a rabbit comes running in and knocks paper, tobacco and grass from the bear's hands, saying: "Just say no! Come along, running is good for you!", after which the rabbit runs away into the wood. The bear decides to follow.

A bit later the rabbit and the bear arrive on an open spot in the wood, where the tiger is just preparing a nice shot of brown. The rabbit knocks spoon, smack and lighter from the tiger's hands and says: "Just say no! Come along, running is good for you!". The rabbit doesn't wait for an answer and runs along. The tiger follows the bear and the rabbit.

Less than half a mile away, the elephant is about to snort a long line of coke. Just before it puts its trunk in place the rabbit arrives and blows away the white powder. When the bear and the tiger arrive they see the elephant trampling the rabbit. When asked why, the elepant says: "That bloody rabbit's on speed again."
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-16-2006, 12:05 PM Thread Starter
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RE: Dead parrot


I was keeping an animal theme going here,but what the hell.........

This made me titter,in between biting my ears and breathing through my mouth.....



"Hello...
Welcome to the
Psychiatric Hotline...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press. No one will answer.

If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything."





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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-16-2006, 12:35 PM
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RE: Dead parrot

That's bloody well great! Beautiful!
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-16-2006, 01:00 PM
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RE: Dead parrot

An old woman sees a parrot at the animal shelter. Having always wanted one, she inquires at the information desk and adopts it. After a day of adjustment, the parrot starts talking, but it swears like a sailor 24 hours a day. She calls the shelter and they admit that the bird used to be owned by an old salt that like the "pirate" life. They advise her that there might be a way of breaking the bird out of it's inappropriate habit. "Being tropical birds, they don't much like the cold. So when he's swearing, put him into the freezer for a few seconds as punishment. They're very intelligent. He'll figure it out."

At the first opportunity she takes their advice and pops the bird into her kitchen freezer. After 10 seconds, she takes out the chilly parrot and is shocked to hear the parrot say "I've very very sorry madam, I apologize deeply for my past bad behavior." Amazed, the woman looked on as the parrot spoke again.

"Would you mind telling me, if it's not too much of a bother . . . but what did that chicken do?"
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