On the Way to Prison
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.
"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.
"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."
"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..."
A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that
will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the
line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chain saw is defective.
It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and
the puzzled redneck says, "Heck, what's that noise?"
Bubba didn't know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.
The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."
They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
2006 ML 350 - Black, Appearance Package, Navigation System, Entertainment Package, Sunroof Package, Heated Seats, IPod Integration