don't try this at home - Mercedes-Benz Forum

 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-11-2005, 04:35 PM Thread Starter
BenzWorld Elite
 
yoseyman's Avatar
 
Date registered: Nov 2005
Vehicle: Baby
Location: 1313 Mockingbird lane
Posts: 9,689
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
(Thread Starter)
don't try this at home

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
>something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I
>have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
>chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
>
>
>
>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
>my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
>bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd
>anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
>girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
>gun with a clip.
>
>
>
>For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
>less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate
>an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity
>while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived,
>with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
>adequate time to retreat to safety.
>
>
>
>You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push
the
>button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
>muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen
one
>of these things in action, then you're truly missing out... way too
>cool!
>
>
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
>was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
>stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
>model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
>do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,
however,
>and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
>electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
>looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
>electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just
for
>your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
>is on the face of her microwave.
>
>
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
>thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood
>target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a
>second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.
>
>
>
>But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself
>against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
>advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to
>me at the time.
>
>
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>
>hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
>would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
>ground like a fish out of water.
>
>
>
>All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
>long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
>
>loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no
>friggin' way!"
>
>
>
>Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
>
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>
>followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
>cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
>
>one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
>bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
>agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
>of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always
>twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
>act, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
>
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
>
>ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
>body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall
>waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles
>nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body
>in the oddest position.
>
>
>
>Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
>before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again,
>do it again!"
>
>
>
>(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note
>of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged
>from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
>you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your
>thigh like yours truly.)
>
>
>
>SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
>
>
>
>A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
>this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
>surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
>fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
>titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with
>Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or
two,
>I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think
they
>ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda
>hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would
>like to get 'em back.
>



yoseyman is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-11-2005, 04:44 PM
worst mod in BW history
 
ThrillKill's Avatar
 
Date registered: Apr 2005
Vehicle: ML CLK Iridescent Hyundai Accent lol,GoPed Freightshaker & Volvo semi's, c'mawn?
Location: Chicago
Posts: 27,762
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Lifetime Premium Member
RE: don't try this at home

Good thing you didn't buy a dildo.

ThrillKill is offline  
post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-11-2005, 06:03 PM
BenzWorld Extremist
 
BILLSONG's Avatar
 
Date registered: Sep 2005
Vehicle: 03 ML500, 94 CADILLAC DEVILLE CONCOURS, 350ZR
Location: SoCal/Houston, TX
Posts: 975
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
RE: don't try this at home

Quote:
yoseyman - 12/11/2005 3:35 PM

>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
>was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
>stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
>model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
>do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,
however,
>and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
>electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
>looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
>electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just
for
>your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
>is on the face of her microwave.
>
>
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
>thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood
>target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a
>second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.
>
>
>
>But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself
>against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
>advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to
>me at the time.
>
>
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>
>hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
>would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
>ground like a fish out of water.
>
>
>
>All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
>long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
>
>loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no
>friggin' way!"
>
>
>
>Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
>
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>
>followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
>cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
>
>one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
>bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
>agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
>of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always
>twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
>act, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
>
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
>
>ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
>body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall
>waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles
>nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body
>in the oddest position.
>
>
>
>Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
>before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again,
>do it again!"
>
>
>
>(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note
>of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged
>from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if
>you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your
>thigh like yours truly.)
>
>
>
>SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
>
>
>
>A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
>this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
>surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
>fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
>titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with
>Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or
two,
>I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think
they
>ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda
>hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would
>like to get 'em back.
>
To make long story short?

HAHAHA good story though.
BILLSONG is offline  
post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-11-2005, 07:05 PM
BenzWorld Senior Member
 
Date registered: Dec 2005
Posts: 483
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
RE: don't try this at home

What a story! I have had an Air Taser for about five years, but never had the need to use it. They say the problem with regular tasers is that they don't work effectively through clothing, like jackets or coats.
When using one against an assailant with a coat on
they say you should try for the neck, but that would put you within punching or knife range which is not worth
the risk most of the time. If you ever own a gun, try to fight the impulse to see if the bullets really work by pointing it at your head.[B)]
starcar126 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

  Mercedes-Benz Forum > General Mercedes-Benz Forums > Off-Topic

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Mercedes-Benz Forum forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in











  • Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
     
    Thread Tools
    Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
    Email this Page Email this Page
    Display Modes
    Linear Mode Linear Mode



    Posting Rules  
    You may post new threads
    You may post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is On
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are On
    Pingbacks are On
    Refbacks are On

     

    Title goes here

    close
    video goes here
    description goes here. Read Full Story
    For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome