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post #1 of 1 (permalink) Old 12-09-2005, 12:09 PM Thread Starter
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Date registered: Jan 2005
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Top Tips

Shoe bombers. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
Mark Johnson

Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.
R Simple

To make a pot of supermarket coleslaw go further, simply grate a carrot, some cabbage and an onion into the tub, then add some mayonnaise.
SA, Derby

DRUNKEN drivers. When making your way home from a night out, put 'L' plates on your car to convince patrol-ling police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience rather than drink. How you explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you.
Captain Fuck, Derrington

SUDOKU lovers. Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.
T Wensleydale, Cheshire

AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.

LADIES Whentreating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.
Lee Henman

SHOPPERS When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
Jason Orange, Manchester

US GOVERNMENT Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of ever-yone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like shit. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain.
Diccon Cooper

NEW Zealand tax inspectors. Save time by scrapping the section on the IR3 form asking people to declare 'income from illegal enterprises' as it is unlikely to elicit a great deal of response.
M. Barrymore, New Zealand

SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
Graham Marsh

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
J Calabas

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
Ryan McCaffrey

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
Nick Pettigrew, London

GERMANS. Don't waste money on expensive, professionally produced scat movies. Simply set your video to record every athletics meeting involving Paula Radcliffe and Hey Presto! After a couple of years you'll have a scat video library second to none.
Alex W, Newcastle

TIGHT- arsed blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.
David Bushell

CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner.
Stanley Etherington

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
A Langley, Broadstairs

FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!

D Clegg, Cirencester

SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.

James Powell-Brett

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Fish Kid

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

Lee Cawood, Hull

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