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Schumi's Sekret Tagebuch...Is Back
(btw, Tagebuch = diary)
He's back and IT's back. The Sekret Tagebuch Blog of Kerpen's favourite son. Michael Schumi Schumacher returns to F1 this season and so does his award-winning self-penned blog.
Michael Schumacher's Sekret Tagebuch-Blog
Wednesday 20th January 2010
Well, here we are. Quite honestly and obviously I never thought that this situation of returning to Formula 1 would happen for me. But as Sean Connery said in the famous James Bond movie, Never Say You Only Live Twice.
It was not a difficult decision to be making when the big guy got on the phone and said "Michael, I've got a seat for you in 2010." I knew straight away that this wasn't DFS Germany with my latest Lazee Boy leather armchairstuhle.
My prickle is already coming after the false alarm with Felipe and so I was more than fully motivated for a return. My batteries were loaded and I was ready to fire them. Quite honestly and obviously my biggest problem was not my neck or the worry to be the old gunslinger in town waiting on the street corner to be gunned down by the young guns, no. It was the people I would disappoint in moving to a different team. How would my beloved tifosis react? What would Luca and Stefano say? And would Jenson mind being my No.2 at Mercedes?
It would be a strange scenery joining Jenson. I believe he had a poster picture of me on his bedroom wall as a teenager - in between Cindy Crawford and Samantha Fox. I hope he dreamt about me in the right way, you know what I mean... ! Oh yes, this is something else I plan for my comeback year. I am aiming at being 42% funnier than 2006 when I retired. It's the way I am them telling.
Then one day in September Ross came on the phone and said "big problem, TrophyKabinetMeister, (one of his not so little pet names) Norbert wants a German driver signed before Mercedes make the announcement they are taking over Brawn". My neck did not have the 100% go ahead at that position so he had no choice but to make Nico Rosberg my No.2 and pretend that Jenson's wage demands were too much.
Keep that all on your own, though, my TagebuchBlogsters.
Lieblings pudgie wudgie donut face is not happy that I am returning to the grid, but at least she is happy that I won't have to appear as The Stig on Top Gear any more. She has never been warm to that programme. "Jonathan Clarkson is boring, the small one looks like an ageing porn star and the other one is a man with a teenage girl's haircut," is what she thinks of it. I like them all - but they drive as fast as Great Aunt Hildegard and it is troubling that one of them looks like Great Aunt Hildegard.
You know the one thing that makes me laugh - apart from pictures of Ralf's new haircut - is the amount of advice people are giving me when I am announcing my return. Schumi is making a big mistake, Schumi may live to regret it, Schumi will find it tough out there, Schumi's not getting any younger (and that's just Damon Hill talking).
What they don't realise is that I couldn't give a monkey's banana to the lot of them. My great joy is testing the car, so I will get to test it on Friday and Saturday and on Sundays they throw in a race for free. How good is that? And David Coulthard will have to say nice things about me. What is more - there are now 147 'complete biographies' of Michael Schumacher that are not complete at all.
To end with a joke and my bid to become 42% funnier.This is one I will try on my mechanics, but perhaps not before the race in Shanghai.
"I once dated a woman from the Chinese State Circus. Things were going well and so I asked her if she would like to come back to my place for a 69. She said, 'I'm not cooking at this time of night!'"
It is the way I am them telling.
Auf weidersehen meine kleine blogsters!